


Graceful Sorrow

by SupercorpSmutFluffandAngst



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Kara is dead, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, This is just pure angst, You've been warned, basically just a shit load of angst, but not for a while, kara will eventually show up i promise, lena and alex dealing with kara's death, married supercorp
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2019-11-07 14:45:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 35,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17962556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SupercorpSmutFluffandAngst/pseuds/SupercorpSmutFluffandAngst
Summary: Supergirl has died and the world will always remember her as the hero that she was. But no one will ever know Kara Danvers was married to Lena Luthor. No one will ever know the grief the youngest Luthor had to endure everyday for the past year. Alex Danvers and Lena Luthor work together to catch the people responsible for the death of a sister and a wife. And there might not be a line they wouldn't cross.





	1. It's Been A Whole Year

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, I know I know. I have no right starting a new fic when PI is literally left on a huge fucking cliffhanger! But this fic Would. Not. Leave. Me. Alone. It's crazy! It basically wrote itself. I was scrolling through Tumblr (I blame Tumblr for half the things in my life) and I stumbled upon [this](https://kara-alienpuppy.tumblr.com/post/181927410303/you-ever-lost-someone-dr-k-yeah-she-was) beautiful gifset. I reblogged it with a small paragraph of a very loose written scenario.....  
> And then I reblogged it again with a continuation.....  
> And again....  
> Until, I finally decided to make it into a fully fledged fic because it was getting too long on Tumblr.  
> Few things to point out first. The fic is based on the gifset above, so please please go see the gifset before reading. Also, show the OP some love because they're awesome and were sweet to let me piggyback on their idea and just write a fic about it. This fic is not gonna be as deep and detailed as PI. I won't be putting as much time on it as I do on PI (because PI is my #1 baby), so the chapters are shorter. Last but not least, you could read the first three chapters on Tumblr because I added a few gifs in between to make it even more heartbreaking. I tried posting the gifs into the chapter but I came up short. If anyone knows how to post gifs here onto AO3 within the chapter, let me know what to do!  
> Oh and Kara is dead in this one but will probably come back. Not before I break a few hearts here and there though!  
> ENJOY!

She entered her building walking on autopilot. Her mind no longer paying any attention to meager things like smiling or greeting her employees. She had long ago given up on that. She now simply came to L-Corp to work until her body became exhausted only to go back home sleep and come back the next morning.

Because that was her life now.

Her now private elevator that she had recently asked to be built dinged at her floor, the doors opening to her secretary dashing out of her chair to stand in front of her desk, ready with her tablet clutched tightly.

Lena didn’t much spare her a glance. She gave her a frigid ‘Good morning, Jess’ with a barely noticeable nod before she continued walking towards her office. Jess followed her suit, narrating her schedule for the day.

“Your 2 O'clock meeting with Smoak Industries is in conference room 3A. I’ve already set up the projector there as well as your presentation and your notes.”

Lena frowned at the name, “Smoak Industries, I thought we pushed that meeting to next week?” she questioned.

Jess seemed hesitant with her answer, “W… We did, Ms. Luthor. It’s been a week since then.”

Time. It barely registered to her anymore. She no longer had a sense of it. Not when she was living her life on a habitual series of moments that weren’t distinct from one another.

Every moment was the same. Time had no meaning anymore.

“What’s the date today, Jess?” she asked, rummaging through the papers on her desk to find her handwritten notes.

“It’s umm the 23rd, Ms. Luthor. Of September.”

And that was when time suddenly had a meaning. When it stood frozen before her eyes as her ears registered the words that were said to her.

September 23rd.

The day her life had ended. Just the same way the life of her wife had ended.

The day Kara Danvers died.


	2. The 23rd of September

Lena felt her throat suddenly go dry at hearing those words.

September 23rd.

A day that has haunted her for a whole year. 365 slow agonizing days.

A day she had replayed over and over again in her head like a vinyl record that refused to stop.

She stared aimlessly at the ground before her.

Seeing that same smile in front of her as though she was standing right there.

_Lena, it’s very important that you understand the power of potstickers. They can change lives!_

_I’m always careful. I’ll be home before you know it. All done with that big bad alien by the time you make us some of your famous grilled cheese sandwiches!_

Lena swallowed down, Kara’s voice echoing in her mind so vividly she could almost hear it.

“Ms. Luthor?” someone spoke.

Lena simply stood there, listening to the drumming of her heartbeat and the sound of a joyful nonexistent laugh.

_Your heartbeat sounds weird, babe. Are you nervous about something?_

The day Lena asked Kara to marry her. Lena remembered that day so well, she could replay every minute of it.

_Lena, your heartbeat is really really nervous now. You’re scaring me._

She remembered never being more afraid to do something in her life. Never had she experienced sweaty palms and fidgety behaviors. Not until she had tried to work up the courage to utter four simple words that meant the world to her.

_Lena, if you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I’m…_

_Will you marry me?_

She remembered the shock. The small gasp that escaped Kara’s lips. Her frozen demeanor that caused Lena to think she had made a mistake in asking her. Lena remembered Kara breathing rapidly then. Her chest rising under the symbol of her family. Her eyes never leaving Lena’s. Holding onto them as though her life depended on it. As though both their lives depended on it.

And then Lena remembered her answer.

_I… I can’t._

Lena especially remembered her heart breaking that day.


	3. You Ever Lost Someone?

“Ms. Luthor?”

“Hmm?” Lena finally looked up, kidnapped from her haunting thoughts.

Jess looked at her with sympathy spilling all over her face. And Lena hated it oh so much. The sympathy that people addressed her with whenever she would so much as doze off.

“Are you alright, Ms. Luthor?” Jess breathed out, looking as though too scared to ask the question.

Lena almost scoffed at it.

_ Are you alright? _

It was such a nonsensical question. A pointless arrangement of words that screamed absurdity. Because was there anyone left in the world that was truly alright?

Nonetheless, she cleared her throat and replied accordingly, “Yes, I most certainly am. Do I have anything before that 2 O'clock?” she asked.

Jess quickly shook her head, “No, ma'am. Just the 2 O'clock and a budget meeting at 4.”

Lena nodded, “Good. I’m going to go down to the labs to work on a few things. Can you remind me of the meeting in case I lose track of time.” she requested, as she stuffed ample amounts of papers carrying her handwritten notes in her laptop bag.

“Of course, Ms. Luthor.” Jess quickly assured her, “Would you like me to send a cup of coffee down to the labs for you?”

A jolt shot through Lena’s body and she stood still as Kara’s voice ringed in her head.

_ Is it too early in our relationship for me to ban you from coffee? You drink way too much of it and I didn’t want to bring up because I wasn’t too sure if you’d choose me over coffee. In fact I’m fairly sure you’d choose caffeine instead of me. _

God, Lena hated that she remembered that day so clearly. Kara had spent the day making arguments against coffee. Until Lena had relented and given up trying to argue back.

_ Wait, wait, wait. Are you saying that I - little ol’ me - managed to convince The Lena Luthor, certified coffee addict and owner of at least half the coffee establishments in National City, to cut back on coffee and maybe possibly go a day without it? I may just have achieved the unachievable! _

Lena blinked twice and shook her head at the memory, pushing it to the back of her mind

“Yes, please. With a double shot of espresso.” she added before walking off without another word.

Silence and stiff nods replaced her ‘goodbyes’ and 'have a nice days’. It was better this way. Less time wasted.

* * *

 

“Dr. K, how nice of you to join me today. I was beginning to think you forgot about me.” Adam gave her one of his friendly but charming smiles.

Lena disregarded the banter, tapping on her tablet to open up his latest test results, “How are you feeling today? Any nausea? Vomiting?”

“Well, straight to the good stuff, then? I’m touched.”

“Ms. Tessmacher wrote that you haven’t been eating much. Loss of appetite.” she noted the last bit to herself.

“Maybe if you joined me, I would be more inclined to eat with good company.”

Lena still disregarded his attempts at humor, squinting at the numbers on the tablet in her hand, zooming in at the graph.

“You ever lost someone, Dr. K?”

Lena flinched unconsciously at the question, her eyes finally looking up from her tablet and widening in the direction of her patient. She felt the breath get lodged at the front of her throat, a bulge of air she could neither swallow nor let out.

It took her a moment to recollect herself, but eventually she thickly swallowed down and voiced out words, “Wha- What makes you think I…?”

She couldn’t. For the life of her she couldn’t finish that question. To unmistakenly voice out the words that caused her absolute and heart wrenching ache.

She just couldn’t bring herself to say it.

Adam shrugged, “I lost my sister. I know how loss looks like on someone’s face. It ain’t pretty. And as pretty as you are, Dr. K, it’s written all over your face.”

Lena remained perplexed. Her eyes no longer wide but her heart thundered in her chest. Her wife’s voice sneaking it’s way into her mind.

_ It’s written all over your face, baby. You’re obviously annoyed by something. Tell me. _

_ Is it me? Is this because I ate the last piece of leftover pizza that was in the fridge? Oh! I see a hint of a smile! That’s something! _

Lena closed her eyes tight, willing the voice to stop. To leave her alone. She needed it to stop for her sanity’s sake.

_ Lee, tell me what’s wrong. Please. _

“Their voice is still in your mind isn’t it?”

Lena’s eyes snapped open at that. She fearfully blinked at him, curious as to how he might possibly know that.

“It’s ok. It’s normal to still hear their voice in your head. I’m guessing it hasn’t been a year yet if you’re still hearing their voice.” he tilted his head observing her, “From what I’ve seen, you’re not jumpy, so that only means you stopped expecting them to walk through the door.”

Each word uttered by the man made her heart bang harder against her chest. She felt her pulse thunder where her nails dug into the skin of her palm. Her eyes stayed glued to him, fear and curiosity eating away at her at how he could possibly make all these observations about her.

He nodded with a sad smile, “Yup. You definitely passed the jumpy stage. You’re onto the 'I’m numb to the world and am going to fill my time with everything and anything to avoid being alone with my thoughts’ stage. I’ve been there, Dr. K. It’ll pass. Just like all the stages of grief do.”

Lena swallowed down the lump, finding a sour taste in her mouth at the prospect of her ever moving on from her grief.

From ever moving on from Kara.

“Let me ask you again.” he did that slight tilt to his head, pausing for a moment before asking his question.

“You ever lost someone, Dr. K?”

Lena held his eyes for what felt like a whole minute of uninterrupted silence. She closed her eyes when it became too much. When the notion of uttering the words she knows she should accept became too real.

Because the truth was, she had never said those words out loud.

Never spoke about Kara in the agonizing past tense.

Was never able to.

She opened her eyes, looking at the ground in front of her, “She w…” she faltered slightly at the upcoming past tense, “She was the only hero I ever had.” she finally managed to voice out.

It was cheating she knew. An indirect way of speaking the inevitable. Shuffling her words around until she said what she had never said without actually saying it.

It was cheating, she knew. But she didn’t much care.

“Who was she?” he asked the question she had been dreading.

That single tear fell down at the severity of the question. Of how sharp it had cut. How deep it had dug into her chest.

Because she wasn’t ready.

She wasn’t.

She would never be.

Especially not today out of all days.

She squeezed her eyes tight to keep the remainder of her tears inside. Not wanting to let them go.

Not wanting let Kara go.

Because Kara still existed, her blue eyes still shone bright in Lena’s mind and all Lena needed to do was close her eyes and she would see her wife once more.

But it’s been a whole year of living off of that smile in her mind. A whole year of her living in the darkness of her closed eyes.

And it hurt. It never stopped hurting. It had only gotten worse.

And so, she breathed out the words for the first time.

“My wife.”


	4. Happy 23rd of September

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can read this chapter on Tumblr with gifs and everything [here ](https://justmickeyfornow.tumblr.com/post/182989164000/justmickeyfornow-justmickeyfornow) :)

“Never knew you were married. You don’t wear a…” Adam trailed off, stealing a glance at Lena’s bare fingers.

Lena looked down at where a ring should be, “We never had a chance to… Exchange rings.” she replied brokenly, her voice coming out hoarse from emotions.

She pinched her ring finger, tracing the spot where her ring should’ve been with the thumb of her other hand. Remembering. Reliving that day as she did so.

_ So, we’re married now? You’re my wife? Lena Keiran Luthor is my wife! Rao, if this doesn’t make me the luckiest person on Earth and all other planets… I don’t know what will! _

They had been in bed. Kara had opened her eyes and the first thing that she had done was give Lena the most breathtaking smile she had ever seen before uttering those words.

_ I know I still haven’t gotten you a ring yet, but I promise you I will. Soon. I know this isn’t what you wanted and we can’t even tell anyone yet, but… _

Lena had interrupted her with simple words that resonated through her heart.

_ You’re everything I’ve ever wanted. _

And with those words that Lena had uttered, Kara’s smile had widened even more, making Lena’s breath hitch at the time.

She still made Lena’s breath stop.

“We were only married for two days.” Lena breathed out the words that made her heart ache every time she so much as thought about them.

Lena looked up, expecting the sympathy to be irradiating off of his face. But it wasn’t there. She only saw curiosity.

“What happened?” he asked.

_ What happened, Lena? What happened between this morning and now that made you not want to get married anymore? Tell me what changed your mind. _

_ I know that whatever it is that changed your mind, we could get through it. I love you, and I want to marry you. Just tell me why. Why don’t you want to marry me now when only a few days ago you yourself proposed to me? _

Lena had always been amazed by the fact of how remarkably easy it was for her life to drastically change in under a week.

People often kept lists of their favorite songs. Kept bucket lists. New Years resolutions lists, even. But Lena; Lena kept a list of the 7 things that had happened in that week.

In one particular week of her 26 years of life, she had…

Proposed to her girlfriend.

Gotten rejected.

Gotten kidnapped by her own mother.

Threatened.

Been proposed to by her girlfriend only to be forced to reject said proposal.

Gotten married.

And become a widow.

All in the span of 7 torturous days.

At times, her life felt like the chopping board of the universe that was far too bored. Experimenting different ways to drive her mad, seeing what made her ticking time bomb tick faster and edge closer to exploding.

Until finally, the universe decided to take away the one thing - the one person - that had truly ever made her happy.

Her wife.

Lena finally looked up from where she was staring at her ring finger, remembering Adam’s question of what had happened. She gave him a tight lipped sad smile, “Maybe one day I’ll tell you. Not today.” she replied before picking up her tablet once more and reading off the numbers again.

She spent the next hour drawing more blood from him only to transfuse it back into his system with the ramifications she had made with the black rock as well as other ingredients she had gathered over the past couple of months.

She didn’t dare give him a dosage over the .01 percentage of the rock that she had been giving him. The blood that she would transfuse back into his body would be mainly his own, except each time she would add a little extra something to see what kind of reactions she could conjure up. It was the only way to do it.

The only way to find a cure. One that worked this time.

Once she noted down her observations, she put the tablet back on the table for her assistant, Eve, to look at in the evening. She gave a curt nod to Adam as he began to feel drowsy with sleep and she headed back towards her office to get ready for the meeting before Jess reminded her of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lena stepped off her apartment’s elevator onto her floor and walked towards her door as she fished for her keys in her purse. She grabbed for them and looked up only to find a figure leaning against the wall opposite her door.

Lena sighed. She looked at the red-haired woman’s form and felt her sadness tremble inside of her. They shared it. The loneliness. The ache. They both felt it.

Lena crouched down on her ankles, observing Alex’s bruised face. Her bottom lip was split open, a purple bruise covered just under her left eye and her nose seemed to be broken or at least just bleeding. Lena picked up Alex’s hand and found her knuckles bleeding as well.

It wasn’t the first time Alex had shown up like that on her doorstep. Nor would it be the last time, Lena was sure.

Beside the woman, was a bag of takeout. Lena noticed it was from Kara’s favorite Chinese restaurant. She bit her lip hard to keep her mind more occupied on the pain rather than throw random memories of her wife at her.

She look back at Alex, reaching for her shoulder and shaking it gently, “Alex wake up. I have to get you inside.”

Alex grunted awake up, barely able to open her bruised eye. She gave Lena a lopsided smile but immediately flinched when smiling was also painful.

“Happy 23rd of September.” she groaned out sarcastically, her voice a grave metaphor of how rough and deadly those words were.

Lena held her eyes for a few seconds, breathing hard to keep her anger under control. Alex had a dark sense of humor that Lena often shared. But not this. Not now. She was already having a terrible day as it is. Joking about celebrating the death of her wife was too far for her right now.

Instead, Lena held out three fingers, “How many fingers am I holding up?” she asked sternly.

“I’m not drunk.” Alex huffed out, clearly exasperated at the accusation.

“Yeah, but you probably have a concussion. There’s some blood in your hair.”

“Not mine.” Alex grinned, only to flinch again in pain.

“Whose is it then?”

“Some Cadmus guys I found in a secret hideout down at the harbor.”

Lena sighed loudly at that, her eyes closing in time with her sigh only to open back up and look at Alex in a chastising disappointed manner.

Alex saw it and responded to the look before Lena said anything, “Don’t give me that look. I got you a new name.”

Lena stayed quiet. A new name was always a good thing. But not at the cost of Alex getting hurt. Possibly getting killed one day. Over the last year, they’ve been…

Lena wasn’t sure what they were. The word friends was a long stretch. A bit of an exaggeration for what they were.

They were two people drowning in sadness that kept each other afloat.

That’s what they were.

“Come on,” Lena tucked her shoulders under one of Alex’s arm, “let’s get you inside.” She pulled up until Alex’s grunting form was leaned against her. They began to walk before Alex pulled her back.

“I got you food. I’m sure you forgot to eat.” Alex mumbled tiredly.

_ When was the last time you’ve eaten, babe? And coffee doesn’t count! _

_ I swear sometimes I feel if I don’t feed you then you’ll starve yourself to death. _

Lena felt a shiver run down her spine at the memory. At the countless memories of Kara entering her office with some sort of takeout in her hand.

She shook herself of the thoughts and dragged her mind to her dark reality, “I’ll get it as soon as I put you inside.” she replied.

Holding the woman with one arm and pushing her keys through the lock with her other hand, Lena entered her dimly lit apartment with a relived sigh.

Home sorrowful empty home. No more sweetness to it as it used to be.

She switched on the lights and felt herself freeze just like she did every single day when she got home. Seeing the box marked 'Kara’s Things’. After 9 months of nothing but life-draining grief, Lena thought it would be healthy if she packed some of Kara’s things away. God only knew she had found herself crying over one of Kara’s hoodies more than once. Or staring lifelessly at one of Kara’s paintings that she had never had the chance to complete. It was destroying Lena. Eating away at her sanity bit by bit until there was hardly anything left. And so, she thought packing some of Kara’s things would help.

The box had been empty for two months now. She was never able to place anything inside.

Alex seemed also transfixed by the box, her eyes boring into the words scribbled on it in thick black marker. They both stood there staring at the name of the woman they both missed.

Lena forced herself to take a step inside, walking with Alex until they reached the kitchen island lined with stools around it.

“Stay here for a second.” she breathed out, making sure Alex was balanced on the stool.

She then made her way back to the hallway, retrieving her purse, the bag of takeout and Alex’s motorcycle helmet.

Lena walked on autopilot. Shrugging off her coat and discarding it on the stool next to Alex before making her way into the bathroom. There, she took out her first aid kit and a washcloth that she ran under warm water for a few seconds.

She walked back to where Alex sat, holding onto the counter with one hand as though the room was spinning. Lena kicked off her heels, keeping her eyes on Alex as she rounded the kitchen island, grabbed a glass from the cupboard and filled it with water. From the drawer on her right, she took out a bottle of aspirin and walked back to the woman.

She opened the bottle, dropping two in her hands, “Open up.” she ordered and Alex did so without complaints. It wasn’t the first time. She popped the two pills in Alex’s mouth and handed her the cup of water.

While Alex drank the water, Lena opened the first aid kit taking cotton balls out and some alcohol. “Tell me about the name.” she muttered as she worked.

Alex hissed in pain when Lena pressed the alcohol over the cut on her temple, “Hugo Strange. He’s one of your mother’s most trusted. One of the men I apprehended today spat out his name after I beat it out of him.”

“How high is he on the food chain?” Lena asked, concentrating on cleaning out the wound thoroughly.

“Very high. Once I put his name in the database and got his face, surveillance showed many images of him standing beside Lilian. He was previously in Gotham City. Might have had a few run ins with that bat guy but he seemed to relocate here to National City and join the Cadmus Brady bunch. I managed to get a possible location but it’s not as easy as I thought it would be.”

“Why?” Lena placed a bandage over the wound and began working on cleaning the cuts on Alex’s bloodied knuckles.

“He’s heavily guarded just like your mother always is. Can’t do it alone.” Alex hissed again at the alcohol.

“DEO still not taking you back?”

“Nope. J'onn is calling it a 'Personal Leave of Absence’. Like that’s gonna make it all better.”

Lena hummed as she finished on Alex’s knuckles. She discarded the rubbing alcohol and walked to her freezer. She reached for a bag of vegetables only to stop midway through. Finding Kara’s favorite type of ice cream.

_ I’m gonna tell you a secret about this world that I’ve discovered ever since I landed here. You ready? Lee, are you listening to me? No you gotta put down your phone for this. Ok, ready? _

_ Ice cream fixes everything. There’s nothing that ice cream can’t… _

Lena shut the freezer door a little too hard before that thought finished. She handed the bag of vegetables to Alex, “Here. Put this on your hand for the swelling.”

She walked to her liquor cabinet and poured two cups, “Can’t you hire a team?”

“Already on it.” Alex replied, “I’m hiring a team of marine mercenaries to help me get to the guy.”

Lena walked back to her, handing a cup to Alex before taking a sip of hers with a frown, “Marines? Why marines?”

Alex scoffed, “Because this guy is so paranoid that he lives on a boat. A 300 meter aircraft carrier that could hold over 60 aircrafts aboard it and guarded with over 400 black ops trained operatives. It’s in the middle of the Atlantic.”

Lena smirked, “Well, I suppose I could take my yacht out to play.”

“I was hoping you had one of those lying around.” Alex grinned.

They both sipped from their cups of hard liquor, already forming different parts of their upcoming plan of taking down this man.

Lena stared aimlessly to the side, “And you’re sure this man will get us to my mother?”

“Positive.” Alex nodded, “He’s the closest lead we’ve had to her in over 6 months.”

Lena met Alex’s haunted eyes, “We can’t let her get away. Not this time. Not like last time.”

“We won’t.” Alex replied sternly, “Lilian will pay for what she did. I promise.”

Lena scoffed, “I stopped believing in promises a long time ago.” she muttered.

Alex frowned slightly but didn’t refute or argue. She herself was not fairing so much better than Lena was. Silence engulfed them just like the grief always did. It was deadly. They both hated it. Because when there was silence, then there was the need to face their unhealthy coping. They would have to truly acknowledge how much of a terrible idea it was for them to go after the very people who took away Kara from them. Alone.

Silence forced them to acknowledge that they didn’t even know how to be around each other without Kara.

Because they weren’t friends. Though technically they were family.

They were simply two people drowning in grief and barely keeping the other afloat.

Lena finally snapped and dissolved that silence, “It’s been a year.” she breathed out brokenly.

Alex let out a bitter laugh, holding up her glass, “Happy fucking 23rd.” she muttered sarcastically.

Lena tightened her hold on her own cup, “One whole year.” she whispered curiously, “Did it get any better for you?” she asked, not daring to look anywhere but her cup.

“Nope.” Alex replied immediately, not needing to think about the question, “Still feels like I just saw her yesterday.”

“Do you still hear her voice in your head?”

Alex laughed at that, “All the damn fucking time. She doesn’t give up. Even in my head.”

Lena also let out a small laugh, before feeling it turn into a choked sob, “I… I would do anything for her to just…” she couldn’t finish the sentence.

“walk through that door? Yeah, me too.” Alex agreed, nodding her head once slowly.

“You know normal people would go to her grave, take flowers or something. Not…” Lena gestured around her, to the bloodied bandages and the both of them plotting, “This.”

Alex grinned, “Yeah, but we’re far from normal.”

They both refused to mention that neither of them has gone to visit Kara’s grave once. Even though they both knew there was no body under there.

There wasn’t anything left to bury. Not after what had happened.

Alex held up her cup, “Here’s to another year without her.”

Lena couldn’t help but clink her glass with the other woman’s, “Another year without Kara.” she whispered, the words piercing through her heart and causing an ache throughout her whole chest.

“Mind if I crash here again?” Alex asked, already knowing the answer to the question.

“You know where the guest room is. Make yourself at home.” Lena reached down and picked up her heels, “Get some sleep. We have a lot of work in the morning.” she instructed before making her way into her own bedroom.

“Aren’t you gonna eat something?” Alex halted her halfway.

_ Eat something, Lena. Please, for me. Promise I’ll let you get back to work after you eat for a bit. _

Kara’s voice was so vivid, so clear, in her mind that Lena had to close her eyes for a second to remind herself it wasn’t real.

She turned to look at Alex, “It’s alright. I’m not hungry.” she replied.

And Alex simply nodded. Didn’t argue. Didn’t try to coerce her to eat something.

Because she wasn’t Kara.

No one was ever like Kara. No one would ever come close.


	5. Friendships in Grievances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanna make this clear, Kara IS coming back in this fic. And not at the very end for a small tiny section of a chapter. Shes coming back completely. This is just the angst before the good stuff I promise. I know some of you don't like reading major character death fics (neither do I) but this isn't one of them. I only put the warning for these chapters because I felt people needed to be warned about what they're about to be reading.   
> Promise she's coming back!

Lena woke up to the smell of bacon. Somewhere in the mess of both their lives, Alex had learned to cook. And whenever she stayed over, she made sure to make a proper well cooked breakfast meal for the both of them. Lena wasn't sure what prompted the DEO agent to learn such a skill, but over the past year she did. 

Lena believed it had something to do with keeping herself busy rather than staying alone with her thoughts. Sometimes, Lena would wonder if it was Alex's way of continuing one of Kara's habits. Kara had always been keen on making sure Lena ate adequately. And in a way, Alex was doing the same often more than not. 

After going about her morning routine, Lena came out wearing shorts and one of Kara's hoodies. 

It still smelled like her. Even after a year and multiple washes, it still smelled like Kara. 

Lena sat down after pouring herself a cup of black coffee. She hummed at the exquisite taste just as Alex came to the table holding two plates, placing one in front of her. Her plate's contents included a veggie omelette, some crispy bacon, french toast with cinnamon on the side and fruit yogurt in a small bowl. Alex often went all out on breakfast, and though Lena wasn’t normally a heavy eater when it came to breakfast, she never once refused the gesture from the other woman.

They ate in silence. They always ate in silence. It was either that or they discussed their next move in taking down Cadmus. They never spoke of her. Never brought up her name. Last night was an exception. The one year anniversary of the death of the one person that meant the most to the both of them. 

But the rule was, they never spoke of her. They never broke down or cried in front of one another. It was simple. They were very similar people. They both dealt with their grief similarly. 

By not talking about it. 

They both were very much broken without Kara. It was as though Kara was what held them altogether. Like they each weren't whole without her. They didn't know how to  _ be _ without her. 

Lena would be the first to admit, she only ever became more affectionate and considerate of others’ feelings after Kara had shown her. Kara's quirky manner of greeting everyone she crossed paths with, whether or not she knew them, had simmered over to Lena as well. She had taught Lena that work wasn't everything and that there would always be more work the next day. But a good smile would always be remembered by someone on the receiving end of it. 

As for Alex, Kara was her go to person whenever she needed to be more vulnerable. Whenever she needed to open up about something, whether it was falling in love with a woman for the very first time or losing one of her agents on the field. Kara would always listen. Now that Kara was no longer there for her, Alex refused to open up to anyone about anything. And that showed another side to her. A side that would often be soothed down by Kara’s words. But without Kara, the black and destructive side of Alex’s personality only flourished. It brought on a woman who hardly cared about anything anymore.

“My contact in the army called back.” Alex muttered in between bites, “He managed to hook us up with a few marines working side jobs as mercenaries that don't ask questions.” 

Lena hummed regarding her, “They'll be swimming in legally binding non disclosure contracts anyway, so they don't have any option of asking questions to begin with.” 

Alex nodded, taking a sip from her coffee, “I'm gonna go meet up with them later today. See if they're to our liking. You wanna come with?”

“I actually have a meeting with General Lane today, so you could go on ahead without me.”

“Lucy's dad?” Alex frowned.

“Yes.” Lena simply answered, taking a sip of her own coffee, “I think I could convince him to have one of his fighter jets fly us to Strange's location in the middle of the Atlantic. I realized that even with my yacht, it'll take us days to get to him. A jet will be more adequate.” 

“General Lane, huh? Not really a person with a good reputation from what I hear.”

Lena hummed non committedly, “Yes, I'm aware. He and I have that in common it seems.”

“You gonna bribe him?”

“Most likely. If he doesn't budge that is. But I hear the president pulled funding from his base for missile testing and he wasn't very happy about it. It'll be like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey. He'll be eating out of our hands once he gets the money he wants.”

“A fighter jet would be too loud though, won’t it? Strange would hear us coming.”

“Let me worry about that. For now, we need to first get the jets.”

Alex nodded, used to Lena always having a plan when it came to these things. “We’ll meet tomorrow then?”

“I’ll let you know when I have something.” Lena replied, finishing off her plate.

________________________________________

Over the past year, many things had changed. Crime rates had gone up. Aliens were often mistreated with bigotry. Statues, libraries, and hospitals were built in the name of the Girl of Steel. Even streets were named after her. And Luthors were the number one crime family in the country.

And that included Lena Luthor.

That's another thing that had changed. After the death of Supergirl, people became even more aggressive towards Luthors. The simple truth was, the people of national city blamed Lena as much as Lilian for the death of their golden Girl of Steel. 

Because Lena was there. She was there when Supergirl - when Kara - was killed. 

And to the rest of the world, she wasn't the grieving widow. She was the conniving Luthor behind the whole thing. Not held against her will but standing proud beside the older Luthor. 

It didn't help that the media took control of the story and used it to their advantage. Aside from CatCo, every news outlet in the world took to writing Lena Luthor as the next Luthor who should be put in prison for life. 

Even Superman was wary of her. He had taken his distance from National City and took on the mantle of being the only Kryptonian left to protect Earth. 

There were so many secrets. So many things wrong. 

No one knew that Lena and Supergirl were married. They didn't even knew they dated. Because Lena Luthor was dating Kara Danvers, the quirky CatCo reporter who had mysteriously disappeared months after Supergirl's death and then reported to have been killed in a freak accident while driving back from her hometown. 

Not Supergirl. 

No one knew that Lena was kidnapped that night. That she was forced to watch the love of her life be tortured and then killed. 

All that people knew was that Lena Luthor was there the night Supergirl was killed. And that was enough evidence anyone ever needed against a Luthor. 

They stepped into the elevator, Alex's fake FBI badge and sidearm showing from under her short leather jacket. A nine millimeter and new shiny fake badge since the DEO had confiscated her regular sidearm and badge when they gave her leave. A man who had already been in the elevator glanced towards them, only to grimace in disgust when he had recognized Lena. Alex immediately noticed and placed herself between the two of them, her hand resting on her holster. The elevator ride felt suffocating. Though Lena was used to people looking at her like that, she didn’t necessarily enjoy it, especially being stuck in the elevator. The man made no move to hide his disgust, side-eyeing Lena and lifting the corner of his lips as though smelling something rotten. Lena could feel Alex getting restless beside her, her hand tightening on the holster. She knew the agent was itching to pull out her gun, use it to wipe that snark off his face, and Lena only hoped that the elevator ride would end before that happened.

Luckily for her, it did. As the elevator doors dinged and opened, she sighed in relief as she waited for the man to step outside the elevator.

But her relief was short lived when the man decided to spit something at her before leaving.

“Luthor scum.” the man muttered under his breath. 

And Lena felt the word pierce through her, but she especially felt the rush of wind as Alex suddenly fisted his collared shirt and shoved him against the wall. 

“Mr. Nolan.” Alex spoke slowly, so slowly it was frightening, “I suggest you don't give me a reason to add harassment to the long list of wonderful things on your criminal record. I remember reading something about not paying child support, did I not? Bribing off social services instead to cover it up? Yeah, that sounds about right.” she hissed angrily.

The man stuttered his words, “H-how did you...?” 

“Don't you think you've got other more important things to worry about rather than how I came to know such information?” 

His nodded bopped up and down frantically as he nodded. 

“You so much as  _ look _ at her again, the whole world will know what kind of scumbag you really are. Am I making myself clear?” she tightened his fisted shirt. 

Once again, the man was too frightened to speak and only proceeded to frantically nod his head quickly. 

“Good.” she snarled, “Now,” she clocked her head towards Lena, “Apologize to her.” she hissed through her teeth. 

It took him a minute for his scattered brain to comprehend what she had said. His eyes widening and his lips spewing out unintelligible words. “Umm I I uhh yes o-of course.” he turned to Lena to apologize it seemed but Alex fisted his shirt tighter, pushing him harder against the wall. 

“What did I just say about looking at her?!” she hissed. 

He flinched, “I... I'm I'm s-sorry.” he immediately looked at the floor in front of Lena. “I... I apologize, Ms. Luthor. It...it w-won't happen again.” he stammered out. 

Lena simply nodded her head, not giving an answer. 

Alex on the other hand did, “She'll consider accepting your apology. In the meantime, you could go around telling every single person you meet that Lena Luthor had nothing to do with Supergirl's death.” she instructed

And that's when Lena felt she had to draw the line, “That's enough, Alex.” she said sternly, her voice on the edge of her anger. 

Her anger sprouted from a single deadly thought. And it was that when it came down to the truth, Lena had  _ everything  _ to do with Kara's death. 

Alex glared at the man once more before shoving him at the wall and letting go of him, “Get out of here.” she spat out at him. 

The man couldn't have tried to hurry faster out of there even if he could. He scrambled to get a hold of his fallen briefcase and stumbled on his feet before rushing away and out of the building. 

Lena sighed out her frustration, “You can't keep doing that.” she muttered as she began to walk. 

Alex fell in stride beside her, “I can do whatever I want.” she replied nonchalantly, a snark on her face. 

And it was true. That was another thing that had changed. Alex Danvers without Kara Danvers did whatever she wanted whenever she wanted, consequences be damned. She no longer believed in the law or the justice system. She enforced her own justice without being limited to Legal pathways. 

She simply didn't care anymore. 

Lena cleared her throat of the thought, “How did you know about him not paying child support?”

Alex shrugged, looking ahead of her as they continued to walk towards the door, “I did a background check on everyone in your building.” she casually grunted. 

Lena kept her eyes ahead of her once she heard the words. Not wanting to look at the Danvers woman and remember her sister who had done something similarly once. But the memory came nonetheless. Kara's voice resonating in her head. 

_ I took the liberty of having a chat with a few of your employees.  _

_ You what?  _

_ They were saying some hurtful things about you behind your back and I simply told them that I, Supergirl me not Kara me, was very disappointed with them. We had a meeting in conference room 3A. I sent emails and everything.  _

Kara had been so casual about it. Like she had ordered a salad for Lena from a restaurant nearby. Not use her Superhero alter ego to scold some of her employees to quit saying hurtful things about her behind her back. 

And now Alex had taken that mantle. It had a bittersweet notion to it. The fact that Alex once upon a time didn't trust her. Went out of her way to prove to her sister that Lena was just another Luthor not to be trusted. That Supers and Luthors were always meant to be enemies. Kara had gone out of her way time and again to show everyone that Lena was just trying to do good in the world. 

But then Kara died. And the whole world believed that Lena killed her. And Kara wasn't there to go out of her to prove to everyone that Lena was only trying to do good. No one was left to defend her. 

Except now there was... Now there was Alex. Alex had taken on that mantle and Lena suspected it also had something to do with continuing something that Kara had been doing. Because Alex knew Lena had no one. 

She had Kara. But Kara was now gone. And she was left with no one. 

And Lena would have been content on keeping it that way, but she felt that Alex  _ needed  _ to take on her sister's mantle. To carry on the things she used to do. To be the only one there for Lena just like Kara had been. Because even though Alex had lost a sister, but she also had a mother. Friends that kept her occupied. A boss who felt more like a father figure than her own father. But Lena's family  _ was  _ Kara. 

And so... Lena now had Alex.


	6. The Day It All Began

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a flashback chapter... So we get to see Kara in this one :)

The day it all began had started innocent enough to deceive everyone into thinking that it was a normal day just like any other. But it was the first brick of domino's that would topple down a series of events that would lead to the death of her wife.

Lena had been faced with a usual attempt on her life by her brother or mother or some random person that hated her. She genuinely stopped keeping track.

A muscled bald man came at her in her own office just like that other day she was pushed over her balcony. He had been waiting for her in her office and had tackled her just as she had closed the door. Not that it would have mattered, since it was after hours and none of her employees were present to hear or witness the struggle.

But Supergirl was. She always heard when Lena was in trouble. Lena remembered feeling a gush of wind as she struggled to get free of the man's hold around her throat, and then a yelp of pain before he had been flung to the other side of the room.

She had been breathless panting as she watched the hero materialize between her and the man, fists tight by her side. Lena had seen the look of horror on the man's face as he registered the presence of a Super. But that look quickly changed into a deadly smirk. Before any of them had a chance to react, the man reached into his pocket and flung his fist open at Supergirl, releasing a green powder into her face.

Supergirl began to cough. She held onto the neckline of her suit, pulling at it as she continued to choke on the powder. Lena's heart thundered in her chest, before she reached into her purse and pulled out the taser gun she kept there. She had recently upgraded from last time. Her new gun having the ability to shoot from a distance. Without a second thought, she aimed the gun towards the man and fired, releasing an electric wire that latched onto the man's shirt and electrocuted him. The muscled man shook for a second before he dropped to his knees unconscious.

Meanwhile, Supergirl was still struggling for breath, coughing and making strangled noises that screamed of her airway being blocked. Lena dropped to her knees in front of her, not knowing what to do.

She began to frantically pat down the suit, knowing there must some sort of cell phone on the woman. Some way to call for backup. Some sort...

She found a cell phone tucked away in Supergirl's left boot. She had thanked her luck for the lack of a password and immediately called the first number on the call log.

“Supergirl? Everything alright?” came a woman's voice on the other end.

And Lena immediately recognized the voice. Knowing the person who had always been by Supergirl's side on the news.

“Agent Danvers?” she asked frantically.

“Who is this? Where's Supergi...” Alarm could suddenly be heard in the woman's voice.

“It's Lena Luthor. Some man attacked me and Supergirl came in to save me. But he had some sort of green powder on him that he threw in her face. She's breathing heavily, she can't seem to breathe. I don't know...”

“There's a small hidden pocket in her skirt. On the left. There's a needle inside. Inject her with it now!” the agent ordered immediately, clearly already on the move from the background noise Lena could hear.

Lena dropped the phone and once more began to pat down the suit, trying to find the needle. Her palm brushed over something on the side of the skirt and she sighed in relief when she pulled out a needle.

Without another thought, she had discarded the cap and stabbed the Super's thigh with it while pumping the liquid with her thumb. Lena's mind had wandered to how the needle was able to puncture Supergirl's skin, but it had not dwelled too much on that detail.

And just as suddenly, Supergirl had woken up with a loud gasp as though coming out for air from the water. Her chest raised heavily off the ground from all the air and there had been relief present on her face.

Lena remembered that day so clearly. Every detail, every second. How the DEO agents suddenly dropped down on her office balcony, chanting orders at her. How they carried the Super on a stretcher to the helicopter. It had all happened so quickly. And she remembered being too worried to be able to do much of anything else.

But she had no way of contacting the DEO, no one she knew to reassure her whether or not Supergirl had made it.

Until Supergirl herself showed up on her apartment balcony. A soft grateful smile on her lips. And Lena remembered drowning in that smile for a few seconds before sliding the glass door to let her in.

“Supergirl,” She breathed out, relieved to be seeing her, “I'm so glad you're alright. You had me worried there for a second. I'd hate to be the reason something happened to you.”

* * *

 Lena choked at that memory. Because she _was_ the reason something had happened to Kara. Now, sitting in her dark present, she realized how stupid she was in uttering words that had been spoken into the universe only for them to become true.

The universe loved to spite her it seemed.

* * *

 “So you're ok if something happened to me because of someone else?” Supergirl had frowned.

“No that's not...”

The Super had chuckled, “I'm only teasing you, Lena.”

At that moment, they both looked at each other at the words that hung between. Or rather, word. It was one word that was echoing off the walls of the room.

_Lena._

_A_ nd Lena couldn't ignore it enough not to voice out her question, “You've never called me that before.”

Supergirl frowned, “I uh I'm sorry, was it not...”

“No, no. Of course it's alright. I quite like it actually. I was just wondering what... It's just you've always called me _Ms. Luthor._ Never by name. I was just wondering what... What changed?”

“Everything.” there was a sad smile on Supergirl's face, “Everything's changed.” she whispered mostly to herself while she stared at the ground.

Lena had wanted to say something. To ask what she meant. But for some reason that night she remained silent. Waiting for the Super herself to elaborate.

Supergirl's raised her head to look back at Lena, and Lena found her looking more towards her neck, “Did he hurt you?”

Lena's hand unconsciously lifted to feather her fingers over where a bruise was forming. The man had dug his nails into her throat and had squeezed roughly trying to choke her.

“No, I'm fine. He didn't get the chance to...”

Supergirl stepped closer to her, her concentrated frown directed towards her neck. Her eyes darted up towards Lena's and she hesitated before speaking, “May I?”

Lena wasn't even sure what Supergirl was asking her, but she felt herself nod regardless, her voice caught at how close Supergirl stood to her. How familiar her face was. The ocean blue of her eyes as though a constant in her everyday life and yet they barely know one another.

She felt Supergirl's fingertips brush against the bruise, concentrated furrowed eyebrows deepened in a frown as her fingers felt the scars on Lena's neck from the man's nails.

And just as Lena was barely getting used to how close the Girl of Steel was to her, the blonde stepped closer, lowering her mouth to her neck and hovering mere centimeters over the bruise. Lena's heart skyrocketed, banging against her chest at how intimate it all was. She couldn't lie and say she had never imagined a similar scenario in her head. She trembled, her mind stuttering thought over thought of what Supergirl was about to do.

And that's when she felt it. Ice cold air softly flowing from Supergirl's lips onto the bruise on her neck. The feeling made her shiver but it also dampened the pain extensively. She tried keeping in her moan, biting at her lip from the intimate feeling, but a whimper escaped her lips causing her cheeks to blush red.

Supergirl hovered her lips over the bruise and then switched sides and did the same on the bruises left on Lena's neck. The cold air did nothing to calm Lena's heart down, but it did dull the pain down. Supergirl's lips accidentally brushed over a spot on her neck and Lena dug her nails into her palm to forcefully stop herself from pushing Supergirl's head farther into her neck and digging her fingers in blonde hair.

“Sorry, it wasn't really my intention to arouse you, but...”

“What?!” Lena snapped her eyes open, stepping back from the woman and pulling her coat closed as though she had just been caught naked.

Supergirl cocked her head to the side frowning, “I said I didn't...”

“Yes, I heard you quite clearly the first time.” Lena interrupted her before she repeated her words. She turned around and placed her hand over her chest to calm her betraying heart down. Closing her eyes, she breathed deeply to stop her erratic pulse and waited a few seconds before turning back to the woman.

“I wasn't...” she began but choked back, “You didn't...”

“Arouse you?”

“Stop saying that!”

Supergirl's eyebrows furrowed as she tilted her head to the side, “Turn you on?”

“Oh dear God.” Lena looked at the ceiling incredulously, her eyes widening at the turn of events. “I'm not turned on.”

“But I can...” Supergirl snapped her mouth shut as though realizing she was about to admit something, “OK. You're not turned on.”

“Wait, how did you know I was turned on?”

“I thought you weren't turned on,” Supergirl looked confused.

“I'm not!” Lena hurried to reply, “But how did you know that I was?”

The confused puppy look on Supergirl's face intensified, “I'm confused. You just said that...”

“I’m not!”

“Of course you're not.” she nodded.

“Don't say it like that.”

“Like what? I just said that you're not turned on.”

“But how did you _know_?”

“Know what?”

Lena sighed in frustration, “Oh Dear God, nevermind.”

Supergirl looked happy to be let loose. “Is it OK if I tell you something?”

“We've just had a whole conversation about me being turned on by you doing that freeze breath thing on my neck. I think we're way past so many stages involving asking that question.”

“But I thought you weren't...

“We both know I was. Can we please just move on now. What is it do you need to tell me?”

“Oh umm...” suddenly the hero seemed nervous, “Can you sit down? She blurted.

Lena arched an eyebrow, “Sit down?”

“I feel like if you sit down, you might take this much better than if you were... Well umm standing.”

“Why would I need to sit down for this? Is Kara alright?” Her mind immediately darted to worst case scenarios.

Supergirl pouted, “Aww that's really sweet that she's the first...” she began to mumble before shaking her head to refocus herself, “I mean, yeah she's fine! A little nervous if you ask me. But overall fine.”

“Supergirl,you're not making any sense!” Lena was meeting her end with the woman's constant nonsensical sentences. It was getting on her last nerve.

“OK! OK! I'll just tell you. Don't say I didn't warn you about the sitting...” Supergirl second guessed that thought after seeing Lena's deathly eyebrow rising. “OK, So you know how umm well you... Last week you asked Kara Danvers out on a date”

Lena's eyes widened at that, a mix of embarrassment and frustration on her face, “She... She told you?”

Supergirl suddenly stepped forward anxiously, “No! No, she didn't tell me!”

“Then how did you...? Were you listening in while I...”

“What! Oh Rao! No! Of course not!”

“Then what?! You're not making any sense!”

“OK, ok. Let me start over. When you asked Kara Danvers out on a date and she...

“Kindly rejected me. Yes. I remember. There's no need to revisit it. What is the point to all this?

Supergirl rolled her eyes, “Rao, woman. Just let me speak!” she sighed before continuing, “She didn't reject you. She said she couldn't. She wasn't free that night.

“You might not be very familiar with how rejection works because...” she scoffed mumbling the next words to herself, “Well let's face it, who in their right mind would reject Supergirl, but saying you're not free on the night someone asks you out on is a kind way of saying _thanks but no thanks.”_

Supergirl was looking towards the ceiling, silently pleading to her God for something. “Rao, help me with her.” she whispered to the deity, before looking back towards Lena, “OK, let's start over. _Again.”_ she spoke her next sentence in one whole breath not stopping at all or giving Lena a chance to interrupt, “You asked Kara out. She said she couldn't. It wasn't because she was rejecting you. Actually, she really really wanted to say yes. But she couldn't! Because there was something she needed to tell you before she crossed that friendship line and into the whole dating thing. Again! Not that she doesn't want. Oh boy! She really really _really_ wants to do the whole dating thing with you. She's especially looking forward to kissing you, if only you knew!” unbeknownst to Supergirl, Lena's eyes widened at the last sentence and her heart thundered against her chest at the prospect of Kara wanting to kiss her, “In fact she doesn't talk about anything else to her sister! And her sister is really fed with her and has told her time and time again to just _tell_ you the thing she should tell you and start dating so she doesn't have to hear about it so much. And that's why I'm...”

“You're Kara.” Lena breathed out incredulously.

“What?! No! I can't fly!” Was Supergirl's immediate response before back tracking, “Oh wait. Wrong reaction. That's when people think I'm Supergirl.” she spoke mostly to herself.

Lena's eyes widened even more as she began seeing it as clear as day, “You're Kara Danvers.” she whispered again.

“Well, yeah that's what I've been trying to... Wait, how did you know?”

Lena simply raised an eyebrow up in response and Supergirl immediately deflated, “It's the rambling isn't it? That's what gave it away?”

Lena couldn't help the small crack of a smile on her lips. Kara Danvers was Supergirl. And her mind was working a mile a minute for her to utter any words.

Supergirl nodded to her unanswered question, “Yup. Definitely the rambling. Need to work on that.” she mumbled to herself, too occupied with chastising herself to realize Lena had taken a step closer to her.

“Kara?” Lena whispered, trying the name on her lips.

Kara's head snapped up, “Hmm?” she responded, completely unaware of the tornado inside of Lena's chest.

“You're Supergirl.” She repeated her words indirectly.

Kara sighed, stepping closer, “I am. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I really _really_ wanted to tell you when you asked me out. Because I wanted...”

And that's when Lena kissed her. Pressing her lips to the already moving lips that were about to go on another rambling expedition. Lena held her cheeks in her palms and kissed her softly, loving the way her lips fit perfectly with Kara's.

She felt strong hands grip her waist and pull her closer and Lena moaned at the feeling. Moaned at the fact that she had always wanted those hands on her.

Kara kissed her back passionately, taking her lower lip in between hers and deepening the kiss. Lena slid her arms around her neck and lifted herself a bit to fit herself closer to Kara. She breathed her in and almost sighed in relief at the prospect of experiencing the moment she had always wanted.

When they pulled apart, Kara rested her forehead on hers and smiled softly, “Wow.” she breathed out, “Did I mention how much I was looking forward to kissing you?”

“It may or may not have slipped up in your rant.” Lena chuckled, gazing at her lovingly.

“Darn it, I lost my chance at being cool about this.” Kara replied playfully.

Lena hummed in response, enjoying the feeling of being in Kara's arms like this, “Was this the reason why you rejected me?” she smiled, fully knowing Kara was about to over react about...

Kara backed her face away to look at her with wide eyes, “I did not reject you! I simply said I couldn't at that particular time! I was very vague about it. Nowhere in my response was there any hint of rejection. And believe me I wanted nothing more than to say yes, but I didn't want to. Not without you knowing about this part of my life.”

Lena suddenly remembered something, “What made you tell me tonight?”

Kara tightened her arms around her, breathing her in and bringing her forehead back to rest on hers. “You saved my life.” she simply whispered as though it explained everything.

“I didn't...

You did. Without that injection, I would've suffocated. I almost did. But you didn't falter. You knew what to do. You called Alex and you found out about the needle and you injected me with it.” Kara smiled down at her, “I owe you my life, Lena.”

“Now that I know that you're Kara, I'm so happy you're alright.” Lena whispered.

“And if I wasn't Kara,” Kara chuckled, “It would've been perfectly fine if Supergirl hadn't been alright?”

Lena rolled her eyes, “Why do you enjoy twisting my words?”

Kara beamed at her, “It's fun.”

Lena sighed before continuing her train of thought hesitantly, “I just mean, I don't know what I would do with out you Kara. You're my only friend. My family. And knowing that there's this green kryptonite in the world that can easily kill you... I...”

Kara brought her closer until Lena buried her face in her neck and hugged her tightly. Kara caressed her hair softly, “Shhh, I'm fine. You saved me. You've got nothing to worry about.” 

* * *

 And Lena remembered that it was in that particular moment that she had made her decision. She made the decision that would lead to Kara's death. And as she remembered that moment, she felt a sob break through.

* * *

 Lena backed away to hold Kara's eyes, to look directly into those eyes when she voiced her decision, “I'm going to find a cure.” she whispered.

Kara's eyebrows scrunched before she smiled warmly, “Lena you don't...”

Lena continued to whisper her words, afraid if she spoke them out loud she would break, “No, no. I am. I'm going to work to find a cure for Kryptonite. I can't lose you, Kara. Now that I know what you do and who you are, I... It terrifies me that this thing exists that could just kill you in under a few minutes.”

Kara smiled softly at her, “Hey, hey.” she whispered back, holding onto Lena's cheeks lovingly, “You're not going to lose me, Lena. I promise I'll do everything I can to stay by your side. You won't lose me.”

* * *

_You won't lose me._

She spent months after Kara's death furious with her because of those few words. Gone mad with rage from that promise. The first few months she blamed Kara. She hated her for making such a promise. It had ate away at her, the promise. Haunted her.

But nothing came close to when she blamed herself. To how she _still_ blamed herself. She was stupid enough to think she could find a cure for Kryptonite. And for a brief second, she thought she did. But sometimes, intentions for making something aren't the same as the consequences for making it.

Funny how she began working on that cure because she didn't want to lose Kara....

And she ended up losing Kara because of that cure


	7. I Run To You

_ It's not ready! _

_ I'll be the judge of that.  _

_ No! Mother, you can't! Please! Don't...  _

Lena bolted from her bed sweaty and disoriented. Her breaths came out short and uneven, her heart not keeping up with the panic attack her brain was forcing onto her body. She tried taking a deep breath but it got lodged in her chest and she choked on it. The darkness of the room didn't help her impending panic attack, so with shaky hands she reached beside her and turned on the bedside lamp. The only sound in the room was her frantic breaths

“chahv, tav, non, ten, suzh.” she whispered breathlessly. “chahv, tav, non, ten, suzh.”

She took to reciting the numbers that for some reason had the ability to calm her down. Over and over again she uttered the numbers from one to six in Kryptonian, waiting until her breaths became even again, until her heart calmed down in her chest. 

It's been a while since she had dreamt of that night. The night Kara was killed. The first few months, she remembered being terrified of sleeping. Remembered hating the notion of closing her eyes at all, if only because she would be forced to relive that night over and over again. When she made the decision to go after her mother and make her pay, Lena began of dreaming of that instead. Of watching the life drain out of her mother's eyes the same way it did in Kara's. The same way that Lilian forced the life out of Kara. 

But today... It seemed the nightmares were back. It seemed the universe was bored once more. And toying with her life was its favorite entertainment. 

Even though it was 3 am and she hardly got enough sleep for the day she was about to have, Lena pushed her feet off the bed and grabbed for Kara's hoodie to put on and make herself some coffee. She might as well get some work done since she was awake after all. 

_ You should sleep, Lee. You're putting too much stress on your body.  _

Lena stopped halfway out of her bedroom and closed her eyes as a sigh escaped her lips. Sometimes, she truly thought she was going crazy. Because aside from the memories of Kara's voice in her head, she would also sometimes hear Kara speaking to her. 

A few months ago, Lena heard Kara laughing in her head when a dog on a leash pulling his human was chasing a cat also with a leash who had escaped her human to chase after a squirrel. The laugh sounded so vivid, so clear, that Lena had turned around half expecting Kara to be standing behind her. 

But she wasn't. 

And now.... 

_ Babe, you need to sleep.  _

“Leave me alone, Kara.” Lena whispered to no one but herself. 

If her sanity has already left her, then why not add talking to the ghost of her dead wife onto the list of things that made her seem crazy. 

Lena decided to clear her head with a run. Since she couldn't go for a run like a normal person anymore now that the whole city thought she was a murderer, she opted for the treadmill instead. She needed to get Kara's voice out of her head, and there were a few things in her life that were able to shut Kara out. Running being one of them. 

After changing into a sports bra and some running shorts, Lena grabbed a pair of headphones and connected her phone to the Bluetooth device. She scrolled through her music to look for that one song. 

_ Lee, you have work in 3 hours. You should be slee...  _

She pressed play and turned the volume to the max. She had come to appreciate loud and angry music over the past year. It was one of the only things that drowned out Kara's voice. 

The voice of the Yousaf sisters from the Krewella duo played the song Beggars and Lena breathed in the contradicting silence in her mind. She climbed on the treadmill and began to run to the lyrics of the song. 

**_This one is for the fucked up, chewed up, spit out, stepped on_ **

She ran faster than she's ever run before. Hoping to escape the nightmare that was her reality. 

**_No luck, no fucks, tough love, half blood_ **

**_Stripped down, beat down, blacked-out, choking_ **

She ran to the beat of the song that was just as angry as she was. Just as insane as she felt. She reached for the speed control and increased it more. 

**_This one is for the beggars_ **

**_Stand up if you're feeling reckless_ **

**_They don't understand that we're heartless_ **

Her lungs were being incinerated, her air cremated into the heavy replacement that barely entered her lungs only to be pushed back out. She swung her arms and knees high up to increases her cadence. Her eyes focused on the horizon of the clear window in front of her, watching the peeking sunlight that was shying away from illuminating the rest of the city. 

**_This one is for the sickness, dismissed, brushed off, stolen_ **

**_Vicious, fearless, force-fed your slogans_ **

**_Blank words, torturers, tongues-tied_ **

Lena ran as she felt her heart thunder in her chest, hammering against her ribcage and pulsing in her throat. She pushed herself harder. 

Hoping... 

Wishing.... 

Praying that maybe if her heart was loud enough, Kara would somehow hear it and come rushing back. 

There was a time when Kara would show up if Lena was even remotely frustrated and her heartbeat conveyed as much. Kara was always listening in to her heartbeat, which was why she always knew when Lena was in danger. 

And so Lena ran. She ran as fast as she could. Forcing her heart to pound. To scream of her pain so that Kara would maybe hear. 

Because even after a year, Lena still sometimes toyed with the idea of Kara possibly still being alive. It was silly, stupid even, but she couldn't help herself. Couldn't stop herself from that dangerous feeling called hope. 

But she was always disappointed. Heartbroken. Grief-stricken all over again. 

After running for an hour more, she finally slowed down, walking for a few minutes to let her muscles calm down before stopping fully. 

Kara's voice was no longer in her head and to that she was grateful. 

Her breaths were heavy as she climbed down from the treadmill and discarded her headphones onto the handle. She grabbed for her towel and water bottle and walked to the living room. Looking at the time she found it was still four thirty in the morning. And she was still feeling the adrenaline in her body coursing through her. She needed more. The exercise giving her the silence her mind craved. 

So, she called a person she had gotten used to calling often these days. 

When the other end picked up, Lena didn't waste time on greetings, “Come to my apartment.”

A sleepy voice on the other end of the line sounded hesitant, but nonetheless replied with a, “Of course, Ms. Luthor.”

“Bring a gun.” she quickly added. 

Again there was hesitancy that was not voiced, “I'll be there in an hour.”

Lena ended the call without another word. 


	8. No More a Damsel in Distress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by Trish Walker from Jessica Jones. She became a badass after being held at gunpoint and did something about it. She reminded me a lot of Lena Luthor. They both are extremely rich and underestimated. Both sophisticated and gone through shit with their families. And they both wanted to make the world a better place through their jobs but always put down because of it. And they both had to be saved by their neighborhood superheroes (AKA Supergirl and Jessica).  
> Enjoy :)

“Again.” she ordered, wiping the sweat off her brow. 

The gun was aimed at her and Lena felt her heart thunder at the anticipation of it firing. She felt the blood rushing to her limbs, the sound of her heavy breath echoing in her mind.

The slowing of time was her favorite part. That half of a second when her mind would be clear, her breaths would be calm, and her eyes would be focused. It all came down to that half of a second.

Life or death. It all changed in less than half a second.

Lena reacted quickly. She pushed the muzzle away from her, reached under the arm holding the gun, twisted it back and waited until the gun dropped. She registered the sound of a click just as she reached with her other hand underneath to catch the gun and aim it back at her pursuer.

“Good.”

“No. Again. I heard the click. I would’ve been shot before taking the gun.” she panted breathlessly.

She wasn’t questioned. The gun was aimed right at her again, this time faster, and Lena had to react quicker than the last time. 

_ Push the gun away from me. Bend the elbow. Twist the wrist. Catch the gun. Aim it back. _

It was a simple equation. One she had drilled into her mind over and over again throughout the past few months. Because never will she be the damsel in distress on the opposite end of a gunpoint. The last time that happened...

Well...

Kara was killed because she was held at gunpoint like a hunted deer.

Never again, she had promised herself.

Once more, she pushed the gun away only for it to be pushed back at her and...

_ Click. _

She was shot. Or would have been.

She sighed in frustration as she backed away, “Again.”

“Focus on doing two things at a time, Lena. Push the gun away from you while twisting my wrist. There should be half a second between each move. No more.”

Half a second. It all came down to half a second.

Half a second was all it took for Kara to be injected with...

She shook her head to clear it from her haunting thoughts. She waited for the gun to aim, knowing that not expecting it would make it harder. They circled each other until the gun was suddenly pulled at her, aimed and ready to fire. 

And that's when Lena's half a second began. 

Quarter of the half second she spent pushing the gun away. 

Another quarter to bend the elbow. 

Half of the half second gone. And Lena's heartbeat thundered against her throat as she anticipated that click. 

She breathed heavily as she twisted the wrist, dropping the gun. Instead of reaching with her other hand to catch the gun and aim it back, she let it drop to the ground. She used her last quarter of half a second to pull the arm towards her just as she twisted her body bringing the arm over her shoulder. She then flipped her assailant over her shoulder and landed them onto their back with a grunt.

Nyssa smiled as she found herself staring at an upside down Lena Luthor over her, “Very good.” she instructed, placing both palms on the ground over her head and using the strength of her arms to push herself up into a standing position again.

Lena walked over to her water bottle breathlessly, grabbing it and taking a long gulp to quench her dry throat. She looked at the clock while drinking and found it to be almost six thirty in the morning. They’ve been at it for an hour and a half. And Kara’s voice had been nonexistent for the whole time, thankfully.

“Let’s continue.” Lena spoke between ragged breaths.

Nyssa nodded. They set out to train in combat. Nyssa guiding her to focus her energy on her breaths and keep her weight light on her toes. Always ready to strike or dash away at any moment. Her movement had to be done with ease, her stress let go.

Her anger had to be subsided and that part Lena always struggled with.

“You’re fighting with anger inside of you. It won’t help you.”

Lena threw another punch that Nyssa easily avoided, “It’s the only thing that has helped me so far.”

Nyssa sidestepped a kick from Lena and then held her ankle in the air, “Not in this, Lena. You need to let go.” 

Lena used her ankle that was held to push her weight up and kick with her other foot, only to be stopped by the woman again, causing her to land on her back with a grunt, “If I had a dollar every time someone told me to let go...” she mumbled.

“Get up.” Nyssa commanded.

Lena grunted again, ready to just give up. Her lungs were on fire, heart pleading for her to take a break. Just as she was about to tap the floor, she heard swift footsteps coming towards her. She only had time to glimpse a fist coming her way before she rolled away to the other side of the mat. She didn't think about it. She was taught to not think. To use her instincts instead. She circled Nyssa’s foot with her ankles and twisted, causing the woman to lose her footing. Lena then slapped her palms on the mat, pushed her weight onto her palms and swiped her feet under Nyssa making her flop onto her back. Lena jumped back up, stood upright, hands held high in front of her, and waited.

“Get up.” Lena imitated the order with a smirk.

It was a thrill. When she would be on the brink of giving up to succeed like that. She got high on the aspect of inflicting pain. Of being exceptional at it in only half a year of training. She loved it. Enjoyed the feeling of never needing anyone to protect her anymore.

Because Kara died protecting her. And she’ll be damned to let anyone else die because she was too helpless to do anything about it.

Lena Luthor was no more a damsel in distress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to really think about who Lena;s trainer would be. It was a tie between Nyssa, Sara Lance, Talia, and a few other assassins. But I ended up with Nyssa. Please ignore the whole different Earths thing. I might resolve it later on. Might not. Hope you enjoyed.


	9. Moment of Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who watch Wentworth, there's a small pleasant surprise in this chapter. A character who makes an appearance. I know both shows have nothing to do with each other, but I couldn't resist putting this person in.  
> I may or may not be a little obsessed with them.  
> Enjoy :)

 

“It's been four months since you've started seeing me, Lena.”

Lena stared out the window from where she sat hands clasped neatly in her lap on the couch. Something about counting each bird that passed by the window was exceptionally soothing. It made the time tick faster for some reason.

“And you still haven't spoken a word.”

Another bird passed, this time it sat on the edge of the window as though wanting to talk to her. Lena found herself smiling at its silly head tilts and its little pecks.

“When the board of directors requested that their CEO sees a therapist, they were expecting some sort of progress. But you still haven't spoken to me about anything sensical since the day you walked into my office.”

Lena sometimes enjoyed the calm voice of Dr. Westfall. It was soothing in a way. A nice Australian accent twirled around it. The doctor was well into her mid forties but she had that kind of hot older woman sophisticated look that made heads turn from both genders. Under different circumstances, Lena herself might have pursued the good doctor. It wouldn't be the first time either. As a teenager, Lena was forced onto therapists by Lilian for most of her life. And there were two young females fresh out of school and still not experienced in the art of not falling for their patients that Lena had managed to seduce.

She smiled at the memory of that one Dr. Dumont who she had fucked on the same couch she was being treated on. Dr. Dumont had treated Lena in her late teens, when Lena had experienced quite a bit sexually. And the young late twenty-something doctor was more than pleased to submit to a horny teenager at the time. Medical and legal consequences be damned.

Maybe that was why she was so messed up. She screwed up by screwing her therapist and now she was eternally screwed up.

And this Dr. Westfall was no different. Except Lena was. She was different. She was married. Or at least had been.

“Lena? Are you listening to me?” the doctor pulled her from her thoughts.

“Hmm?” Lena turned towards her, finding a calm glare directed towards her.

“You have to try to speak about these issues you have.”

Lena had more than once toyed with the idea of simply paying off the doctor to write her a slip claiming she was fit to run her company. But deep down, somewhere six feet under deep within her....

Lena knew she needed therapy.

She knew how self destructive her coping mechanisms were. If she looked past her stubbornness and her Luthor stupor, she could glimpse a weeping widow in need of talking to someone about her dead wife.

But even though she knew she needed it, she still hasn't used her time in therapy productively.

Because even if she wanted to, she couldn't. The whole of the world only knew that Lena Luthor was in a foul mood the past year because her best friend and Cat-Co reporter had perished - miraculously months after Supergirl's death - in a freak accident out of town. That's what she was here in therapy for. Because she was mourning the death of a dear friend.

Not her wife or the woman she loved.

And here lies the dilemma. She couldn't possibly sit here and talk to this doctor and pretend that she was sad and lonely because she simply lost a friend. Because Kara was much more than that. She was her _only_ friend. Her family. Her wife. Her partner. And she could never tell all of this to the doctor because well....

She would have to start from the beginning. And sadly, the beginning was simply that Kara was Supergirl and Supergirl was married to Lena Luthor who consequently had nothing but also everything to do with her death.

And that was why, Lena sat on this sofa every week, pretending that everything was fine and she was simply mourning the loss of a friend.

But every now and then, she gave the doctor something to chew on, “I suppose you may be right, Dr. Westfall. Forgive me, I'm a bit distracted today it seems.”

“Tell me what it is that's distracting you.”

Lena gave another glance to the bird on the edge of the window, missing the feeling of flying in Kara's arms. Being that much closer to the stars. She quickly dragged her eyes back to meet Dr. Westfall's, “Losing a friend can be somewhat distracting, don't you think Dr.?”

It wasn't completely a lie.

“I agree, it most definitely can. Tell me more about Ms. Danvers.”

“What would you like to know? I'm an open book.”

Ok, that one was a complete lie.

“Well, last time you told me mostly good things about Kara. I wanna dig deeper though.” the doctor looked at her notepad and Lena noticed her circling something before looking back up at her.

“How deep are we talking about?” Lena challenged, raising an eyebrow to warn the doctor to watch her limits.

“Have you ever fought with her?”

The question took her by surprise. She wasn't expecting it. But nonetheless, Lena sported a sad smile at it. Because as perfect as she found Kara was for her, they did fight. They had a few arguments here and there just like any other couple. Nothing serious, though. They eventually remedied whatever the problem was and made up the same day. Lena remembered the one when Kara had traveled to another Earth without telling her.

___________________________

“You can't just _leave_ without telling me! Do you know what I've been through the past week?!” Lena was seething. She had felt relieved, of course, that Kara had come back safe and unharmed. But her worry had clouded her thoughts and made it turn to anger.

Kara looked confused, “Week? Wait- No, it was only supposed to be a minute.”

“It's been 8 days, Kara!” Lena shouted back, aggravated at the innocent look Kara sported.

“Oh Rao! Barry said he'd bring me back to the same minute I was...”

“Clearly his calculations were off.” Lena scoffed.

Kara frowned at being scolded, “But, I...”

Lena paced the length of the room, her worried anger boiling. Every insecurity of people leaving her bubbled over to the surface. Every dark thought of Kara being fed up with her clouded her judgment. She wasn't sure where it all came from, all she knew was she was scared. And when Luthors got scared, they were deadly.

“Don't ever do that to me again!” she seethed.

“Lena, I can't just _not_ go!”

“I'm not asking you to not go. I'm asking you to let me know! I'm asking you to maybe call your girlfriend who is worried sick everyday about you and just let her know that maybe you'll be gone for a few days.”

“I didn't have _time!_ It was a very hurried thing. Barry zoomed in, said he needed me and we zoomed out to his Earth. I didn't have time to just-”

Lena scoffed, “Says the woman who quite literally _has_ superspeed and is in the damn company of the fucking fastest man alive! Sure! You absolutely didn't have time!”

“Don't do that,” Kara rolled her eyes, “You make it sound like I forgot. I was just in a hurry. And in a very stressful situation. My friend needed me. You always make me out to be the bad guy when it comes to being Supergirl.”

“I don't do shit! No! I actually put up with it. I've been absolutely fine with you missing date nights and cutting our lunches to go chase after an ambulance. I have never tried to stop you from-”

Kara scoffed this time, “Not in so many words. But you never liked it either.”

Lena gave her an incredulous look, “What?! You want me to be _happy_ when my girlfriend runs towards danger in the middle of dinner?”

Kara pointed at her angrily, “See?! That! That right there! You don't like me being Supergirl! You hate it! Just admit it!”

That caused Lena to fall silent. Because she felt that if there was anything she was proud of, it was the fact that her girlfriend chose to be the superhero to people who weren't even her own. To sacrifice herself day in and day out to save people. Lena was proud that someone as selfless as Kara would choose to be with someone like her.

She loved that Kara was Supergirl. Not because of her super powers but because of her selflessness. Her kindness. Her bravery. And her loyalty to the symbol of hope that people saw her as.

Kara saying that she hated Supergirl made her feel as though she was merely another Luthor. Made her feel as though she was just as wretched as her mother and brother.

Lena frowned slightly before clearing her throat, her expression hurt and broken, “I...” she tried before the words died in her throat. She composed herself, before jutting her chin out dangerously, “I know it might not seem like it because I'm yet another Luthor, but I could never hate that part of you, Kara.”

And with that she walked away and slammed her bedroom door.

________________________________

Lena creased her brows at the memory of the fight, “Yes, we fought. Just like any other healthy relationship, we had our differences.” she mentioned, “But we got through them.”

“What did you and her normally fight about?” the doctor asked.

_I went to another Earth without telling her._

Kara laughed in Lena's head and Lena groaned internally at her predicament. She cleared her throat before answering, “She once umm... Well, she went out of town without letting me know. And I was worried sick about her.”

“Have you tried calling her at the time?”

_I doubt cell reception reaches that far off to other Earths._

Kara continued to laugh in Lena's mind and all Lena wanted to do was blast that horrid angry music just to get rid of the voice. “I did. She didn't have cell reception.”

“And when she came back, you fought about it.” Dr. Westfall said. It wasn't a question as much as a statement of fact.

“Yes. We fought about it. I mostly shouted. I might have overreacted from sleep deprivation. I had been staying up every night waiting for her to come home and I -”

“Were you living together?” the doctor asked suddenly, it was unusual for her to voice questions by interrupting Lena.

“I'm sorry?”

“You said you were waiting for her to come home. Was she...? Were you two living-”

“Oh, no. No. I umm.... I slept at her place while waiting for her. I have a key.” Lena quickly fixed her mix up.

The doctor simply hummed before writing down something in her notebook. Lena felt her heart pick up, needing to know what it is the doctor wrote.

When silence stretched, Dr. Westfall went to maneuver them back to the conversation they were having, “So how did you resolve the argument?”

Lena smiled at how they resolved it. She remembered not being able to sleep that day because Kara wasn't beside her. Wasn't keeping her warm in her arms. She had stirred in bed for hours, replaying their fight over and over in her head. Regretting some things that she had said and letting the guilt eat at her insides. Kara had just come home from God knows what horrible things were happening on the other Earth. It was obviously something big and serious or else the Flash wouldn't need Supergirl's help. And Kara had come back from saving everyone to her girlfriend shouting in her face. Lena remembered crying in bed, not of hurt but of guilt. She had wanted to make it right, to call Kara, to apologize. But she never did. Because she didn't need to call.

___________________________________

Lena walked out of her bedroom to get herself a cup of water. Her body ached from lack of sleep. She made it halfway past the living room when she noticed a figure on her sofa.

Kara.

Kara was sleeping on her back on the large sofa, her hands rested on her stomach and she was wearing sweatpants and a tank top. Even in her sleep, she looked tired. Distressed. She was frowning. And Lena felt that pang of guilt slice through her heart. She walked towards her, looking down at her beautiful face. Her flawless features that were quite literally out of this world. Lena could never be mad at her. She wasn't mad. She had been worried. And her worry was clouded into rage.

Before she knew what she was doing, she slipped her body gently on top of Kara's. She laid her head on Kara's chest, Kara's arms automatically wrapped around her waist in her sleep. They both sighed at the loving warmth they felt from one another. They both had trouble sleeping without the other even though they had only been dating for four or five months. Lena buried her face in Kara's neck, taking a deep breath of everything that was Kara before drifting off to sleep.

____________________________________

“I got up in the middle of the night and found her sleeping on the sofa of my apartment.” Lena smiled, remembering how beautiful Kara looked, “We both had trouble sleeping without...” Lena caught herself before she revealed that she and Kara slept beside one another. It was harder and harder to remember that they were supposed to be friends. Nothing more. Lena had stopped abruptly and the silence that followed was aggravating.

Dr. Westfall frowned, but quickly recoiled, “You were very close.” she noted, “I see how losing someone like that could have had such a profound effect on you.”

Lena could see the loopholes in her story. The inconsistencies. It didn't make sense for her to be friends with Kara and sleep over and then sleep beside her on the sofa. The whole story screamed of dishonesty. And the good doctor wasn't stupid.

“And was that how the fight was resolved?”

“No. We... We talked about it.” Lena drifted off to their talk once they both had woken up.

She remembered the feeling of relief wash over when she had woken up in Kara's arms. Like everything else didn't matter as long as she got to end and start her day in Kara's arms.

_____________________________

Lena stirred awake when she felt lips brush against her forehead softly. Gentle kisses were scattered over her skin where Kara's lips met and Lena buried her face deeper in her neck, moaning at how wonderful it all felt. How perfect it all seemed. She brushed her own lips on Kara’s neck, planting a kiss there in return to the many that Kara was brushing on her temple.

“I’m sorry.” Kara whispered, her voice hoarse from sleep, as though she had woken up for the purpose of apologizing.

“Shhh let’s just forget about yesterday.” Lena whispered back, kissing Kara’s neck and bringing her finger to dig through blonde hair.

Kara shook her head, “No, I... I can’t. I messed up. I should’ve called or texted or-”

“Kara, it’s ok.” Lena brought her face towards her own and met the storm in Kara’s eyes. There was sadness there. Determination, too. And guilt. All three slicing through Lena’s heart for having put them there.

Kara frowned, forehead creasing adorably with her pout, “It’s not ok. You’re right. I should’ve let you know I was leaving. It’s not just me anymore. We’re in this together.”

Lena caressed Kara’s cheek gently in her palm, “Baby, I know you didn’t mean it. I wasn’t angry as much as I was worried sick about you.”

“Next time, I’ll call you. Ask for your permission before-”

“No.” Lena’s face suddenly became serious as she backed away a little to look straight into Kara’s eyes, “You don’t ever need my permission to go save people.” she spoke slowly, her voice laced with a stern tone, “You, Kara Danvers, are your own person. We’re both equals in this. You calling me has nothing to do with asking permission.” Lena stroked Kara’s cheek softly as she pondered over her next words. Her face softened, shoulders slumped a little in defeat, “When you do things like that - just leave - it... it makes me think that I'm not even on your mind. Or that you don't remember that you have a girlfriend waiting for you to come home.”

Kara sat upright a little with Lena over her, “No! Of course I- Rao, Lena you are on my mind every minute of every hour of my day. I listen to your heartbeat throughout the day. It plays constantly in the back of my mind.”

Lena straddled Kara’s lap and sat down looking at her hands in her lap, “I know. I know you do. Which was what made me so worried. The whole week I was on edge because I thought I lost you.”

“Baby, you won't - come here.” Kara furrowed her eyebrows as she brought Lena to her. She held her tight, wrapping her arms around Lena’s waist and holding on to the small of her back. Lena held down a sob as she wrapped her own arms around Kara’s neck. They held each other for long minutes before Kara moved to kiss her, capturing her lips softly and swallowing down her whimper. Kara rested her head on Lena’s, looking in her green eyes as she whispered her next words, “I promised you you'd never lose me that easily. I will always fight to come back to you, Lena Luthor.”

______________________________________

_I will always fight to come back to you._

_I will always fight to come back to you._

Kara’s voice echoed in Lena’s head and she closed her eyes to calm herself.

_I will always fight to come back to you._

Lena snapped her eyes shut suddenly. The voice was so loud in her head, so clear, so pure, that it hurt. It sliced through her heart and tore her insides to pieces. And she was so angry. God she was so angry at that promise. She was angry at Kara. She was angry at herself. She was angry at her mother and the world and everything and everyone that was even remotely responsible for taking Kara away from her.

_I will always fight to come back to you._

She squeezed her eyes tighter, hoping Kara's voice would just leave. She needed it to leave. It was bad enough reliving that day, but not the promise. Kara made sure to throw those little promises every other day to her.

_I’ll come back to you._

_You’ll see me before you know it._

_I won’t be long. I promise I’ll be home quick._

_I promise to be there._

_Don’t worry, promise I’ll be careful._

Lena hated those promises so much. But Kara would say them to reassure Lena. Because Kara knew how much Lena worried. How much she went through whenever Kara changed into that suit and went after some rogue alien. Kara knew Lena would do nothing but watch the news when Kara was out fighting. Kara knew and Lena knew that Kara knew. But in the end those promises did nothing but leave behind a trail of bloodied memories that drenched her mind.

_Tell her more about me. Tell her the truth._

“Lena?” the doctor's voice echoed from far away.

Lena pressed the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger, trying to stop the room from spinning around her even with her eyes closed.

_Lena, you shouldn't keep all this anger inside._

Kara was talking to her. And it took everything in Lena not to scream out her frustration. It seemed as though the universe was once more bored. Because its form of entertainment was causing Lena to have a manic episode right there where she sat in front of a licensed psychiatrist and talked to her dead wife’s voice in her head.

“Are you alright? Would you like some water?” the echo said.

_Babe. Talk to her. It'll be good for you. Tell her that we were dating. She won't..._

“Water.” Lena suddenly stuttered, if only to quiet Kara down, “Water would be... It...” she flinched once more when the headache pierced through her temple. She finally opened her eyes and looked at the worried doctor, “I'd love some water.” she said with a small smile.

Dr. Westfall's heels clicked against the walls of Lena's mind as she hurried to pour her a glass of water. Lena squeezed her eyes tight, fighting the migraine that threatened to consume her. She knew the signs. Knew the signs of a panic attack before it even started happening.

_I will always fight to come back to you._

_Leave me alone, leave me alone, Leave me alone._ Lena chanted in her head. She needed to calm down, but her heart refused the notion. Her heart hammered against her chest, her pulse throbbing in her dry throat.

_I did fight. I fought to come back. You know I did. I just never made it out alive._

At that deadly thought, Lena felt the air get stuck in her lungs. No oxygen leaving nor coming in to sustain her. She tried once more to breathe in, but it was as though there was no oxygen left. As though the room was vacuumed from it and she was sealed shut inside. Her eyes widened, hand going to her chest as she tried again. Her mind registered what it was. She was no stranger to panic attacks.

Dr. Westfall leaned on her ankles in front of where Lena sat on the sofa, “Look at me, Lena. Focus on my voice.”

They've done this before. Lena has been through several panic attacks in front of the doctor and they've gotten through them every time. They often stopped the attacks before they even began if they worked together.

Lena nodded when she could finally see the doctor's face leaned in front of her.

Dr. Westfall held her eyes, “OK, good. Now, I want you to name five blue things in the room. Can you do that for me, Lena?”

With a frightened nod, Lena looked around the room, ignoring the chaotic whirlwind in her mind. The room blurred, but she urged her eyes to locate blue things. “Yo... Your tea mug.” she stuttered out, eyes scanning the room quickly, “The flower... Umm the flower vase. The pen on your desk.”

Dr. Westfall nodded encouragingly, “Good. Very good. Give me two more.”

Having her concentration fixated on finding blue things around the room rather than on her panic helped ground her. She noticed the room becoming clearer, her breaths slowly calming down. “Your desk chair.” she said, eyes continuing to scan the room until she pinpointed her last item, “The picture frame on that wall.” she gestured.

Lena had finally calmed down. Her mind quiet. Kara no longer twisting her thoughts.

“Very good, Lena. You did so good. You got through that much quicker than the last time.” the doctor said, handing her the glass of water.

Lena gulped down the whole cup, not realizing how dry her throat was. She breathed a sigh of relief as she handed back the cup.

Dr. Westfall sat back down on her armchair, “I think we should talk about what caused your panic attack?”

Lena remained quiet. She didn't want to talk about it. Didn't want to step over the broken glass of her memories of her wife. Of the promises her wife never kept.

_I tried to keep them, Lee. You know I did._

Lena wondered if it would be crazy to answer back the voice in her head. To talk to the imaginary Kara in her mind and be content with being married to a ghost. She felt as though she could do that. Just live a full happy life with a nonexistent person in her head. It was possible.

It was deranged was what it was.

Lena cleared her throat, gathering herself as she focused on breathing normally and getting through the next minute without breaking down. “We...” her voice broke, but she tried again, “When we talked, she promised me that she would always fight to come back to me. But in the end, promises mean nothing. That’s what triggered it.”

“But didn't she?” Dr. Westfall asked. When Lena looked at her confused, she elaborated, “Didn't she fight for you? To come back to you?”

_I did, Lee. I fought so hard. All I ever wanted was to come back to you._

Lena listened to Kara's voice in her head as she answered the question, “She did. She fought so hard to come back to me. But she just never...” she whispered, trailing off as the last words withered away before coming out of her.

“Do you find yourself angry at her for breaking her promise?”

“At times, I do. Other times I just miss her too much to be angry at her.” Lena answered truthfully, as much of the truth she could give.

But then again, she was starting to lose sight of why she couldn't just come out and say the whole truth. Kara was dead. Why did it matter what Lena told the doctor. It wouldn't make any difference now. There was no secret identity to keep when the person holding said identity was already dead.

Lena knew in her heart it was a bad idea. Somewhere deep within her she knew telling the whole truth would have catastrophic consequences. Alex would certainly give her a whole lecture about it after she had gone through so much trouble to cover the connection between Kara and Supergirl's deaths.

Lena knew it was a terrible idea and yet...

“You know what, Dr. Westfall, how would you like it if I cut the bullshit and I tell you everything? The whole truth?” Lena suddenly asked.

Like the professional psychology expert she was, the doctor showed no sign of surprise, “I’d say that would be quite progressive. More progress than what we've had the past four months. Though I am inclined to ask what brought on this sudden confession of truth. We've been dancing around the fact of your friendship with Kara Danvers for four months now. Why now?”

Lena smiled, knowing if she said the truth the doctor would lock her up in a psych ward on suicide watch. Because the truth was she wasn't sure if she'd survive confronting her mother and making it to next week's four o'clock appointment.

She was going after a crime lord. The Lillian Luthor herself. And it was no easy feat. A suicide mission if she was being honest with herself. And all the planning, all the scheming, all the research she might do will never give her a hundred percent guarantee that she'll make it out alive. Or that Lillian won't outsmart her.

And there comes her reason for telling the doctor everything.

What was the point anymore?

Kara was dead. She was dead. She wasn't coming back. So what if Lena confessed that she was in love with her and married to her. So what if she told the good doctor everything that had happened that week. Maybe by some miracle out there, the doctor could find a solution to her messed up mind. Maybe the doctor might diagnose her as clinically insane for talking to her dead wife in her mind and maybe she would finally be put somewhere she belonged.

What was the point anymore?

_Tell her, babe. I promise it'll be good for you to talk about me with someone other my sister._

Lena swallowed down before replying, “Let's just say I've finally realized that therapy might actually be good for me.” she repeated Kara’s words.

Doctor Westfall was silent, observing her just like a suspicious knowing person would. She gave a glance down as she wrote something in that nerve wrecking notebook of hers before looking back up to her. She tapped her pen over the notebook resting on her crossed legs before she smiled and spoke, “I'm glad we could finally agree on something.”

Lena smiled back. She certainly wasn't fooling the smart doctor into thinking she believed therapy would help her. But it seemed the doctor's curiosity outweighed her pride. “What would you like to know?” Lena asked, leaning back on the sofa and crossing her own legs.

“Were you in love with Ms. Danvers?” Dr. Westfall wasted no time asking the question. The question had clearly been tempting her for some time now.

Lena couldn't say she was surprised by the question. Her platonic stories with Kara that she had narrated to the doctor screamed of romantic feelings. They reeked of her love for her supposed friend.

She remained silent for a minute more, smoothing away the nonexistent wrinkles on her skirt. She then looked at the coffee table in front of her.

“No.” she simply said, eyes distant, heart aching.

She stared intently at the edge of the coffee table, suddenly feeling her nails digging in her palm.

“I still am. And I was married to her.”

She finally looked up to meet the eyes of the doctor. There was no shock there. Just understanding. And maybe even a hint of a proud smile for Lena opening up.

“How long were you married for?”

“Two days.” Lena smiled sadly, “But then Supergirl died.”

“What does Supergirl's death have to do with your relationship with Ms. Danvers.” Dr. Westfall asked curiously.

“It's got everything to do with Kara.”

“How so?” the doctor tried to keep the conversation flowing calmly.

The edge of Lena's lips tugged upward into a smile at how absurd the question was.

She looked up, meeting the doctor's eyes before her next words, “Because Kara Danvers and Supergirl are one and the same. Kara Danvers _is_ Supergirl. I was married to Supergirl.”

For the first time in four months, Lena found a hint of surprise on the woman's face. The stoic professional neutral look broke slightly at this new information. Her eyebrows furrowed and her frown settled on her face. She was speechless, and Lena couldn't help but feel a sense of victory at breaking her wall of professionalism.

“Allow me to tell you the whole story, Dr. Westfall. I assure you, it's a riveting one.” Lena broke into a sarcastic smile. “It took approximately a week for my whole life to fall apart.” she paused, deciding to start from the beginning. “It all started on the Wednesday I proposed to Kara.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter we get to see what happened in the week Kara died.  
> Fun Fact: Dr. Dumont was played by the same actress who played maggie Sawyer on the show Punisher.  
> Come fangirl with me over how beautiful and perfect Bridget Westfall is. And if you don't know her, come over on Tumblr and I will happily tell you about the next woman you'll fall head over heels for! Bridget Westfall makes my head spin!  
> Hope you enjoyed!


	10. The First Proposal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next four chapters will all be flashbacks as Lena tells Dr. Westfall about the week that Kara was killed... Keep in mind the list of things that Lena mentioned that had happened during this week:  
> Proposed to her girlfriend.  
> Gotten rejected.  
> Gotten kidnapped by her own mother.  
> Threatened.  
> Been proposed to by her girlfriend only to be forced to reject said proposal.  
> Gotten married.  
> And become a widow.
> 
> Pssssssst.... Kara comes back after those four (or five chapters)....

**Day 1 ~ Wednesday, September 18 ~ The first proposal**

 

The last time Lena Luthor was this scared she was standing in court testifying against her brother. And even, that didn't compare to what she felt now as she was about to propose to her girlfriend. It was a cold September evening and Lena had thought of everything. Initially, her plan was to propose on Saturday, but Kara's responsibility to the city came first. They postponed their dinner together to Sunday and then to Monday, luck not being on their side. Then Lena got called away from an important meeting in Metropolis on Tuesday. Now here she was Wednesday. And Lena had been nervous a month before that, her nerves eating her inside. It got to a point where even Jess noticed as she continued to pace the length of her office while giving out her orders. Her calm demeanor and professional front was nonexistent through that month. Ever since she realized she was so deeply in love with Kara that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with her, Lena had been on edge. She had been jumpy, anxious. She wanted to propose as soon as she could but also wanted everything to be perfect. So, it took her a month of planning. Choosing the right ring, asking Kara’s mother for her permission, deciding how to propose, which restaurant to order from. Every single intricate detail she thought of.

And now as she lit the candles on the table and fixed the plumerias, she thought maybe she should’ve planned more. Maybe she should have taken Kara out to a nice restaurant instead of proposing at home. Maybe Kara wasn’t in the mood for a steak dinner. Maybe -

Lena suddenly heard keys jingle as the front door of their shared apartment opened and in walked her beautiful girlfriend. Lena felt her breath hitch at the moment finally being here. It was too much and not enough all at the same time. Her hands shook as she wrapped them around each other, surprising herself at finding her palms sweaty. Never has she experienced sweaty palms and fidgety behavior before. She was genuinely scared. Of what, she wasn’t too sure. Because deep down she knew Kara loved her. Adored her even. Just as much as she loved Kara. Deep down, she knew Kara would happily say yes to marrying her. But even deeper down, she felt that slight doubt creeping up her spine and whispering against her ear. _What if?_ Her excitement was turning into fear and her breaths were portraying that fear along with her rapid heartbeat.

“Lee?” Kara called, dropping her bag on the floor along with her jacket. “Is everything alright?”

Lena opened her mouth to say that yes everything was fine, but no words came out. She exhaled a broken breath and smiled nervously at her girlfriend. Kara was wearing her crisp white button down shirt under a black vest and a pair of dark black jeans. And Lena loved how at the end of the day she would roll up those sleeves to her elbows because the cuffs bothered her wrists sometimes. Lena loved that she wore the watch she got her on her birthday. And Lena especially loved the strong scented perfume she wears.

She loved all of this and could only ever think of loving it everyday for the rest of her life. But dammit her betraying heart was ruining her well practiced speech and her voice was practically nonexistent.

Kara brought her hands to palm Lena's cheeks holding her face gently, “Baby, tell me what's wrong.”

Lena laughed nervously, “There's nothing...” her chest rose heavily that she couldn't even speak properly, “Nothing's wrong, darling. I just...” her voice broke once more and she chastised herself for being so weak.

Kara brought her lips down on her forehead kissing her softly, “Baby, I can feel you trembling. Your heartbeat's beating way too fast. Tell me what's wrong. Is someone hurt? Are you OK?” Kara trailed kisses on her temple and brought her closer to her body. Lena inhaled the scent she had gotten used to, the warmth she had craved.

“I'm...” _fine,_ She wanted to say, but nothing came out. And she hated herself for it. She practiced so hard in saying the words she had written on paper. She had a little speech, her proposal was one that would give those Nicholas Sparks movies a run for their money. She had a whole thing. A grand gesture of a list of all the things she loved about Kara. Starting from her smile all the way to her nonexistent table manners.

She had it memorized. Drilled into her mind.

So then why was she standing there speechless frozen in place like an illiterate statue?!

Kara's worried eyes held her eyes and Lena drowned in the ocean blue, “Your heartbeat sounds weird, babe. Are you nervous about something?”

Suddenly the reality of her proposing came crashing into her and made her heart thunder in her chest. She was going to do it. She was going to propose to Kara Danvers and marry her.

“Lena your heartbeat is really really nervous now. You're scaring me?” Kara observed her, thumb stroking her cheek lovingly, something that usually had the power to calm Lena down but did nothing at the moment.

Kara gave her an exasperated look, eyebrows frowning, “Lena, if you don't tell me what's wrong, I'm...”

“Will you marry me?” she blurted.

Screw the speech. She couldn't wait any longer. She needed to be able to call Kara her wife. She wanted to skip to the part in the movies where the other person screamed yes! And then they kissed and one of them carried the other from happiness. She wanted to finally be able to get past this immobilizing fear that had overcome her. Because Kara was about to say yes and they were about to laugh at how scared Lena had been.

But Kara's hand dropped from her cheek. And what Lena thought was joyful shock was actually guilt. Her frown glued to her face and her mouth agape, her turn to be at a loss for words.

“I...”

She was about to say I do. Lena smiled at the feel of those words on her ear.

“I can't.”

* * *

Shattered. That's what it felt like in her chest. Shattered pieces of her heart piercing through her rib cage making it all the more difficult to breathe. For a few seconds she thought she might have heard wrong, but the expression on Kara's face said it all and she was no stranger to rejection.

She just never expected it from Kara.

“Oh.” was all that came out of her, as she finally registered the words.

Kara was still frozen in place, looking at her sympathetically, another thing that she never expected from Kara. So, she turned around, began to walk away from the blonde only to feel a hand on her wrist that caused her to suddenly flinch.

How a few words can change the touch of someone.

“Lena, let me...” Lena heard Kara swallow down, “Let me explain.”

Lena shook her head, turning around when she finally put space between them, “No, no. It's quite alright. You don't want to...” she couldn't say it. She opened her eyes wide to keep them dry of the unshed tears.

“No! I... I do. Eventually, maybe.” Lena tried to ignore the knife that pierced her heart at the word maybe. “But... I can't. Not right now.” Kara's forehead creased in thought, a frown forever present on her face.

That brought a scowl onto Lena's face, her curiosity rising. “What do you mean not right now?” she asked.

Kara sputtered in front of her, clearly continuing to be the worst liar to ever exist, “I don't...” Kara started but then deflated.

“No, go on. You said to let you explain. Here I am. Letting you. Explain it to me. If you don't want to get married, period, then that's perfectly fine I can accept that. Maybe we're not on the same track. But if it's not that, then what is it?” Lena crossed her arms, keeping her trembling hands hidden.

Kara's jaw clenched as she held Lena's dangerous stare, “I...” she frowned, seeming frustrated at her inability to voice out words.

Lena's own frustration was bubbling over, “So, you're keeping something from me?”

Kara stayed frozen, her blue eyes ice cold with how deeply she concentrated on holding Lena's own. But eventually she faltered and looked to the ground before breathing out a, “Yes.”

“And, what? You don't trust me with this secret of yours?”

“No, of course not! I do trust you.” Kara took a step forward to reassure her but when Lena suddenly backed away, she froze in her spot, her face hurt. “Lee, it's got nothing to do with you.”

Lena laughed sarcastically, “Bullshit it's got nothing to do with me!”

She walked again the length of the room, giving Kara her back to hide away how glossy her eyes are. She ran a hand through her hair and kept it there, bunching up her brown locks in a frustrated fist.

And then she suddenly heard it.

“I can't marry you because you're a Luthor.”

Lena stiffened at the words, begging her mind to maybe confirm that she simply imagined them. Because there was no way that...

“I'm sorry.” Kara whispered.

Lena turned around, eyes wide and unblinking. “What did you just say?” she whispered, hating how weak and broken her voice sounded.

“Dating you is one thing. We hide it well. No one knows. But getting married is more public. We'd have to legalize it. And once everyone knows Lena Luthor is married to Kara Danvers then the media will go crazy.” Kara began to explain. She hurried to get all the words out, “And then my picture will be over the tabloids. It would just take one smart photographer to put two and two together and find out that I'm Supergirl.”

Lena frowned. Her mind understood the reasoning behind Kara's words but her heart was still breaking nonetheless. “So, wha...” shock registered on her face, “What are we doing then? Were you planning on just secretly dating me for the rest of your life?” Lena shook her head in question.

“Well, no. I...” Kara clearly didn't have an answer, and Lena watched as her whole relationship with Kara flashed in front of her. At how much time was wasted. How much of her heart she had put on the line. Of how much she had loved Kara.

All for nothing.

Because Kara was never going to marry her.

There was never a future for them from the start.

“I'm not saying that we'll never...” Kara tried again, but once again failed terribly.

Lena felt as though her heart broke all over again at the notion of Kara simply giving up on them. It hurt immensely. Even more than the rejection did.

She cleared her throat then, wanting to sleep off the headache and the dizzy spell she was under, “If it's ok with you, I'd like to go lay down for a bit.” she whispered, her voice hoarse with emotion.

Kara opened her mouth as though to argue her case more, but eventually closed it. She furrowed her eyebrows as she spoke, “Umm yeah sure. I could umm sleep on the couch if you need space to...” she trailed off, her sentence carrying a sense of hope that Lena would let her sleep in their room.

“No, it's alright there's no need.” Lena replied, watching the relief on Kara's face and somehow still feeling guilty that she was about to crush it, “I'm going to sleep in the guest room.”

“You don't...”

“I'd rather sleep in the guest room.”

_Because I can't stomach the idea of going inside our bedroom that I had decorated with rose petals and candles for my fiancé._

She didn't mention that last thought, knowing Kara would eventually stumble upon the embarrassing romantic gesture she had done.

“Lee?” Kara called when Lena was halfway across the room.

She didn't turn around to meet Kara's eyes, instead stopped in her tracks, “Hmm?”

Kara took the few steps between them hesitantly, “We can get through this, right? I don't want to lose you. I care about you too much.”

Lena hated how her heart tugged at how weak and helpless Kara sounded.

“You won't. I just need time that's all.” she whispered back. Because as much as she hated to admit, she couldn't turn her back on Kara and end it. She lived her too much. Maybe... Maybe there was a way around this. And with that thought in mind, she turned towards the guest room and walked away from her still girlfriend and not yet fiancé.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: The dialogue when Lena and Kara are arguing that starts with Lena asking Kara if she's keeping a secret from her and Kara says yes and then Kara finally say, “I can't marry you because you're a Luthor.”
> 
> Well the original plan was to have Kara say, "I can't marry you because I'm already married to someone else."
> 
> I wrote the whole chapter based on the fact that Kara had married someone for legal reasons at some point in her life and she just never told Lena about it because she kept putting it off. It's not like she has a secret family or something, it was just paperwork. But I changed it at the last minute because I felt it would be OOC for Kara to not tell Lena something as big as that. And I also thought it would be OOC of Kara to reject Lena for something like that. She could have easily said, "Yes, I'll marry but first I have to divorce someone I got married to years ago for legal reasons". I needed a real reason why Kara would reject Lena. Something that can't be argued. Something big. And that's how I came up with the whole 'Secretly dating but if we get married it'll get out and people will figure out I'm Supergirl' idea!


	11. The First Kidnapping

**Day 4  ~ Saturday, September 21 ~ The First Kidnapping**

 

Honestly she should really be getting used to this by now. The attempts on her life, the abductions, the demanded ransoms. Lena would sigh dramatically if she wasn't currently fighting for her life. A big muscled man grabbed her by the arms and secured zip ties around her wrists tightly, blocking the blood flow. This time she wasn't fast enough to grab her taser gun. This time she wasn't strong enough to fight off the man and kick him in the balls like she did that other time. Somehow, he had easily gotten the upper hand and before she knew it, a black bag was shoved over her head obscuring her sight.

It's been three days since she had proposed to Kara and thought that that was the worst day of her life. Now she's thinking she might have tempted fate into proving that worse days have yet to come. With her hands tied behind her back, her face covered with a bag, and her lower chest hurting from a punch to her ribs, Lena had no choice but to abide and follow wherever the man was taking her. They were in the underground parking lot of L-Corp. Typical. She should really pay someone to build her her own garage in the building. Why she hasn't gotten around to doing that she didn't know. But she will. If she survived this.

And the thought of survival flourished when she heard that familiar thud of boots landing on concrete.

“Let her go!” Kara shouted angrily, and Lena felt her heart pick up at her girlfriend's voice. She had never heard her this angry. She hadn't spoken to her in three says, and to hear her voice for the first time this angry sent a chill down Lena's spine.

The man beside her laughed, “Did you really think we didn't expect you blondie?” he snickered back smugly.

Lena remembered that first night that Kara saved her. When the other man had thrown green powder in Supergirl's face. The night Kara told her. Her heart picked up at a similar situation possibly happening. But this time Lena was tied. She couldn't help the blonde hero even if she wanted to.

“I said,” Kara grunted angrily, “Let her go!” she voiced each word slowly, dangerously, her voice coming closer with each word. But just as Lena thought the blonde was about to save the day, she heard her scream out in pain.

“Aaaah!” Kara shouted.

“Supergirl!” Lena screamed back, trying to move towards the voice. She couldn't see anything, couldn't make out what happened. All she knew was that Kara was hurt, and it hurt her when Kara was hurt.

“Stay where you are Luthor bitch!” the man pulled back onto the ground and the concrete scraped her bare knees just where her skirt ended. She didn't register the pain as much. Her focus mainly aimed at Kara's grunts of pain.

“Can we kill her like that? Does she even die?” another man asked. His voice was new. Lena suddenly realized with dread that there were more than one man here.

“No, the boss said to just get the Luthor! Leave Supergirl on the ground. She won't be getting up in the next couple of hours.”

“Bummer. Always wanted to play around with her a little.”

“Come on, let's go. Boss'll be waitin’. You know how she gets.”

“Yeah, yeah. Let's go.”

* * *

She didn't remember going to sleep. Didn't remember being knocked out. But somehow she found herself bordering on the thin line between sleep and consciousness, barely waking up and observing her surroundings. The black bag over her head was gone. She blinked her eyes open and looked around. She was seated on a metal chair, hands cuffed behind her back and secured by the metal beams of the chair. It looked like a lab, the room. She was seated in the middle of the room, but she could make out some equipments and lab machinery over on the other side of the room.

“Hello, darling.”

Lena didn't need her full mental capacity to know whose voice that belonged to.

“Mother.” she sighed, “Of course it would be a member of my family.” she muttered.

“I thought maybe we could catch up.”

“I would prefer you simply send a postcard next time.”

“Where's the fun in that, darling?”

“Our family obviously has the wrong definition of fun.” Lena spat back, “Maybe I'll get you one of those Merriam Webster dictionaries for next Christmas so you can look up the word fun."

Lilian simply stood there, frozen, looking regal and professional as though she had just concluded a business meeting rather than kidnap her own daughter, “I taught you better than to revert to sarcasm.” she remarked, her face contorting in disgust.

“You also taught me what it feels like to not be loved your whole life, but who's really keeping track of your accomplishments?”

Lilian didn't respond. She gave Lena a chilling calm look like she had all the time in the world.

Lena was getting tired of sitting around. Her mind drifting off to Kara, wondering if she was alright. “Now that the mother daughter pleasantries are out of the way, what is it do you want, mother?”

Lilian smirked then, “Straight to business then I suppose.” she walked the length of the room, giving Lena her back for a few steps before turning back and facing her, “I heard you were working on a new pet project?”

“Cut to the chase, mother, I'm getting a headache. Which project are you interested in?”

Lilian smiled and Lena felt a shiver run down her spine at how dangerous the smile was, “The Kryptonite antidote one.”

Lena stiffened at that, the shiver increasing ten fold down her spine.

Lilian arched an eyebrow, “Do I need to refresh your memory?”

There was no way Lilian could have found out about that. Lena had started working on a cure for Kryptonite ever since Kara told her she was Supergirl. She made sure it was an off the books project. Only she and a handful of trusted scientists even knew about it. The notes and all the documents pertaining to the project were secured and only accessed through her DNA.

Last week she had finally put together a serum. One small vial of the liquid. She wasn't even sure if it worked. Wasn't sure if it would make Kara immune to Kryptonite.

But she was sure it would do something against the effects of Kryptonite. She just wasn't sure what.

“Tell me, Lena. Why are you so invested in those vile Kryptonian creatures that you would spend millions of dollars of research in order to create a cure for our only means of controlling them.”

“Because they are not creatures you can just _control._ ” Lena spat back the obvious.

“We can with Kryptonite.”

“Kryptonite doesn't _control_ them. It slowly kills them.”

“Well you could have used all that research to find a way to use kryptonite to control them rather than cure them.” Lilian mentioned nonchalantly, looking down at her watch as though waiting for something.

Just then an explosion outside the lab was heard, causing both women to turn their heads towards the sound.

“Just in time.” Lilian muttered, smiling.

Lena watched as Kara flew inside and landed hard onto the floor with a thud. She observed the situation before she tapped her ear and spoke, “All clear. Proceed inside.”

Lilian stepped closer to her daughter before speaking, using the opportunity that Supergirl wouldn’t strike her in the proximity of the civilian, “Supergirl, how nice of you to join us.”

“Let Lena Luthor go!” Kara shouted.

“Certainly.” Lilian shrugged, “But first, I was wondering if you could test out my new mechas for me.”

Just then, two large robots controlled by men inside of them stumped inside the lab, crushing the ground beneath their large metal hooves. They were armed with machine guns and were twice as large as Kara’s size.

Lena felt her wrists being released, one of the DEO agents helping her to her feet.

“Get her to safety! I'll take care of these guys! Go!” Kara shouted at the agent.

Kara dashed away, her body horizontal parallel with the ground as she flew into the metal chest of one of the mechas. Lena's heart thundered to safety as she watched the huge robot got up and threw her against the wall as if she was nothing but a bug.

“I have to get you to safety, Ms. Luthor.” the DEO agent led her by her arm.

But Lena's eyes stayed frozen on Kara's form, “N-no I... I have to help h...”

“Supergirl can take care of herself, Ms. Luthor. We have to go now!” he pulled her more forcefully towards the exit.

Lena scrambled to keep up with the agent, the sounds of guns and explosions in the background causing her heart to bang against her chest. She was finally pulled into the outside and pushed into a helicopter only to fly away and leave the woman she proposed to behind.


	12. The Second Proposal

**Day 4 ~ Saturday, September 21 ~ The Second Proposal**

 

She was kept in the medbay after being checked and her cuts and bruises were tended to. She was told she was clear to go back home, a team was ready to escort her, but she refused to leave without knowing for sure that Kara was alright. 

When they finally did bring Kara in, she was under a portable sun lamp bed and being wheeled into the other medbay room. Alex assured her that Kara was more than alright and she was simply recuperating after the fight. There were no serious injuries and her powers were still intact. She was simply sleeping. And when Lena believed her, she was slowly led outside of the DEO and the team assigned to her drove her back to her apartment. 

When she entered her apartment, she unzipped the DEO hoodie she was given and stripped out of her clothes discarding them on the floor. She went inside the shower and washed the day away, not bothering to feel any kind of remorse for what was her life. 

She walked into the living room in one of her own hoodies and some sweatpants. It had been a long and tiring day, Lena expected her body to finally give in and surrender to sleep. But she found herself huddled onto the sofa, sitting and simply staring onto the floor. 

Waiting for Kara to come home. 

The problem with waiting though was that it left you with your thoughts for too long. It made you think what you normally brush off. Like for instance how much Kara's life was in danger when she chose the option of dating a Luthor such as herself. Lena slowly came to realize how much her mother and brother hated the Supers and would do about anything to end them. Or better yet, control them. Lilian only scratched the surface of Lena's involvement with Supergirl. If - not if, but  _ when -  _ she catches a hint that Lena was dating the blonde hero, there was no telling  _ what  _ the woman was capable of. Lena saw first hand that her mother was able to create a powder form of Kryptonite. 

Her mother was after her Kryptonite antidote. She wanted the research. Wanted to use it for her own personal vendetta. And if she ever got her hands on it, Lena was sure she would make use of it. She would find a way to control Kara. To hurt her. 

And Lena couldn't even stomach the idea of losing Kara simply because she was too selfish to let her go. 

Kara was right. God, she felt so stupid right at that moment. Asking Kara to marry her. Who was she kidding? A super and a Luthor. It was a disaster waiting to happen. 

Just as Lena was battling through the storm of her thoughts, she heard the thud of someone landing on the balcony and the sound of the balcony door sliding. 

“Lee?” Kara called frantically. 

Lena didn't remember anything but her body's desperate need to feel Kara against her. She remembered nothing besides getting up, seeing Kara rush towards her and then suddenly her body crushing against hers. She cared about nothing but the feeling of being lifted from the ground and pulled into Kara's arms that wound around the small of her back. 

She wrapped her arms tight around Kara's neck burying her face in the crook of it. She inhaled the scent she loved so much, greedily took as much of the warmth she adored. Her heart sought after Kara's pulse, needing to know she was alright. As scary as those thoughts running through her mind earlier were, she couldn't ever imagine her life without Kara. 

Kara peppered kisses all over her temple and hair, “You're OK. You're OK.” she whispered in her hair, tightening her arms slightly around her. 

“So are you,” Lena whispered back, both of them too scared to speak louder than hushed voices and break the moment. 

Kara breathed in, holding her tighter for a few seconds before placing her gently back on her feet. She pulled her face to look into Lena's eyes, her own eyes drifting down to Lena's lips as though not sure if she should do the only thing they were both thinking about. Lena made the choice for her and stood on her tiptoes, pressing her lips against Kara's. It was so surreal to feel her lips after such a day. 

Lena kissed her with a fervor that spoke endlessly of her love. Their lips fit perfectly and their hearts thundered as one. But the kiss was bittersweet. 

Because deep down, Lena knew it was a goodbye kiss. 

She broke the kiss before she got carried away in its perfection. Sniffing, she squeezed Kara's Bicep and held on to ground herself. 

This wasn't going to be easy. And it was made even harder by Kara's sudden words. 

“Marry me.” Kara's voice trembled and shook as she uttered those two words and Lena felt her whole world tremble and shake with them. 

Because it was everything she had ever wanted for months and exactly what she dreaded right at that moment. 

“We shouldn't.” Lena whispered back. 

The hurt on Kara's face would've been enough to break her and let her go back on her words. Kara looked similar to a child who had suddenly realized they had lost sight of their mother. A golden retriever who had suddenly been scolded for eating out his owner's shoes. 

She pushed her forehead softly against Lena's, “Wait, wait, wait.” she whispered, her voice quivering on the edge of fear. “Please, please don't say no. Please, baby. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I...” a choked sob stopped Kara's voice from completing that sentence. 

Lena felt tears run down her cheeks at the broken apologies, “We can’t.”

Kara’s whispered words were so broken, so desperate, that Lena felt her whole heart shake, “What happened? What happened that made you not want to get married anymore? Tell me what changed your mind.” Kara closed her eyes as though in pain only to open them back up glossy, “I know that whatever it is that changed your mind, we could get through it. I love you, and I want to marry you. Just tell me why. Why don’t you want to marry me when only a few days ago you yourself proposed to me?”

Lena felt the sting behind her eyes, “Because you were right. We can't. It's too risky. I'm not going to lose you over it.” her own whispered words came out just as broken as Kara's. She stroked Kara's damp cheeks, her thumb gently brushing the tears away. 

Kara looked desperate, “No, no. Please. I'm sorry for saying what I did when you asked me to marry you. I don't care if people find out who I am. I don't care...”

“I do.” Lena cut her off. “I care too much about you to end up losing you because of it.” she swallowed her sob back inside to continue before Kara argued more, “Kara, you don't know my family. You said you couldn't marry me because I was a Luthor. Well, I've realized that I can't marry you because you're a Super. My mother and brother are hell bent on finding out a way to control you or even worse.” she didn't dare voice out what was worse. Her heart wasn't strong enough to utter those words. 

Determination now showed on Kara's face, “I don't care about them. Back in that warehouse, when I saw you there bleeding and bound and scared, all I could think of was you asking me to marry you. And me breaking your heart by saying we can't -”

“You didn't...”

Kara smiled, “Don't try to deny it. We both know I know your heart better than you do.”

Lena's shoulders sagged in defeat. Because it was true, Kara knew her heart more than she could ever. “I would've gotten over it.”

“You shouldn't have to. You once asked me to be careful with your heart. You said as much as you had tried to stay away, your heart always drifted towards me. You made me promise to be careful with it because it was already so fragile even before you fell in love with me.” Kara sighed out a small breath, “And I went and did the opposite of what you asked me.”

Lena shook her head immediately, “No, you didn't.” she rushed to refute the words, “Darling, you were nothing but gentle with my heart. If anything, you made it whole again. Loving you was the best thing that had ever happened to me.”

Kara flinched, “Was?” 

Lena swallowed down the lump in her throat before looking down, stepping away a little from Kara. She wet her lips and bit down on them in thought. It was the hardest thing she had ever had to do. And this was coming from the woman who stood in court and testified against one of the world's most notorious killers. 

If Lena was being honest, stepping away from Kara and trying to end things with her was even harder than proposing to her. 

“Kara, we can't...” she choked but pushed herself to continue, “We can't keep doing this. It's not safe for the both of us, especially for you.”

“I don't care!” Kara argued furious now. 

“I do!” Lena shouted back just as fast. 

Lena thought about how ironic that they both loved one another so much but couldn't be together. It would sure make one hell of a story. 

But this was real. And Lena had always hated her dreadful reality. 

“We can't be together anymore. It's... It's over, Kara.” Lena barely managed to get the words out without collapsing. She watched as Kara flinched, her body rigid, mouth open as though wanting to say something but nothing coming out. And Lena couldn't watch the effect of her words anymore. She couldn't watch as Kara broke down in front of her just like her own heart was breaking. So, she began to walk away, wanting to simply curl up in bed and cry herself to sleep. 

But Kara's words stopped her in her tracks. 

“We won't tell anyone.” Kara suddenly blurted out desperately. Her voice latching so strongly onto desperation that Lena thought she might drop to her knees and beg. 

“Kara...” Lena began, she sighed, getting ready to argue but was immediately interrupted. 

“No, no, baby listen to me.” Kara stepped closer to her, turned her around from her arm and held her cheeks in her palms. “We get married by Kryptonian law. I know the marital script by heart. If I were to ever marry someone, I would recite the words and exchange a token of my love.” She brushed her thumb back and forth on Lena's cheek, “We don't have to tell anyone. We don't have to legalize it, because who cares what a piece of paper says. We could get married by Krypton's law.”

Lena's eyes let go of those unshed tears she had held on to. Her tears gathered on the tip of Kara's thumb, only for her to wipe them away. Her heart ached in her chest, a glass shard slicing through her ribcage and twisting roughly. Everything hurt and nothing was alright. But somehow Kara slowly made it better with her voice and her words. 

Lena opened her mouth to speak, but Kara spoke first, “I know,” she sniffed, looking down before meeting Lena's eyes, “I know this isn't what you pictured when you proposed. It's not perfect, but I promise -” 

Lena crashed her lips onto Kara's as soon as the words  _ it's not perfect  _ left her lips. Because Kara would never know how perfect she was to her. Lena kissed her as though she needed Kara just as much as she needed the air she breathed. She moved her lips against Kara feverishly, desperately clinging onto her love. Onto the very notion that made them fit perfectly together. 

When they broke apart, Kara rested her forehead onto Lena's, her face serious, “I promise to cherish every moment I get to spend with you. I promise to love you even when we argue. Care for you even when I'm miles away. I promise to always be honest and faithful to you. To remind you every single day of how beautiful and kind you are and that you are nothing like your family.” Kara brushed her thumb over the tears running down Lena's cheeks, smiling softly, “I promise to always confide in you and to always listen when you do. To be the one person you can turn to for anything. To complete you. To care for your heart like I would if it were my own.” Kara pressed her forehead harder onto Lena's as though she wasn't close enough, “I promise to always make you smile and to build you back up when you feel your lowest. I promise to give you a family if I can, and to always be your family, your friend, your partner in everything.”

Lena felt her heart soar in her chest. She felt it ache with love and clench with a sense of adoration. She was too scared to wake up from how perfect this dream was. How the universe had sent someone like Kara who was so perfect for her, who fit her, understood her. All from another planet entirely. It was surreal, but it was also very much real. 

She sniffed and smiled as Kara continued to wipe away her endless tears, “I promise you the same.” she whispered against Kara's smiling lips. 

Kara closed her eyes for a second as though dreading her next words, she pressed her forehead harder again onto Lena's before whispering the words they both needed to hear. 

“Marry me, Lena Luthor.”

Lena squeezed her own eyes shut and pushed the remaining tears out as she smiled fully for the first time in days, “I would love to marry you, Kara Zor-El.”

A surprised chuckle came out of Kara before she cocked her head to the side in question, “Yeah?” 

Lena giggled with her, “Yes.”

And that's when Kara kissed her for the very first as her wife. Fitting her lips onto Lena's in search of the answer that tumbled out Lena moments ago. Wanting to taste the  _ yes  _ that Lena had uttered. Lena dug her fingers in silky blonde Curls, raking her nails on the back of Kara's neck. Kara began to back her into a wall, kissing her deeper now that Lena was trapped between her and the solid rock. 

Between kisses and loving embraces, Kara whispered the Kryptonian scripture in her ear. Lena felt her heart react strongly to the words, every strange letter pulling her stronger towards Kara. Kara closed her eyes and whispered more Kryptonian and Lena felt that that part was more of a prayer than anything else. The word  _ Rao  _ was often repeated and the way Kara held Lena's palm over her heart made her believe so. 

Finally, Kara opened her eyes, and smiled, resting her forehead onto Lena's. 

Lena smiled back, “Are we married? Officially?” she whispered. 

Kara nodded gently, “We are. You're officially my wife by Krypton's law.” she bent her head and pecked her lips. 

“And you're officially my wife.” Lena replied happily, her arms winding around Kara's neck and bringing those lips back onto her own. 

Kara chuckled, “You know what I think?” 

“What?” Lena replied, too distracted by kissing the corners of Kara's soft lips. 

Kara brought her face down to whisper in Lena's war, “That we should consummate this marriage.” she growled before bending and picking Lena up, pulling her thighs around her waist. 

Lena laughed as she held onto her wife, capturing her lips in a hungry kiss and not remembering a single moment when she was happier. 


	13. Two Days of Bliss

**Day 5 - Sunday, September 22 - Two days of bliss**

 

“You got married by Krypton's law? The planet that Kara was from” the doctor asked.

Lena almost flinched at the word _was._ Almost. “Yes. It was the only way. We didn't have many options.”

Dr. Westfall tapped her pen on her notebook before asking her question, “And how long were you married for you said?”

“She asked me to marry her on Saturday evening. We spent all of Sunday together. And Monday she was killed.” Lena said nonchalantly.

“You speak so openly about her death now that you're not pretending.”

Lena gave her a small smile, “I'm not pretending anymore. And the truth is, I have long ago accepted her death. Talking about it doesn't bother me.

“I sense a great deal of pent up feelings. Even though you say you feel comfortable talking about her death, I sense that you haven't talked about it with anyone. Will you be able to narrate the events of Ms. Danvers’ death? We can stop here if you'd like.”

Lena had to hand it to the doctor, she was good. Lena remained silent for a few minutes, studying her before answering with a simple, “No. I don't need to stop.”

She didn't supply the doctor with the reason why she wanted to continue.

_Because tomorrow I'm facing my mother and I might not make out alive to continue this story for you during our next session._

Dr. Westfall nodded curtly, writing down something in her notebook before looking back up and speaking, “Alright then, tell me about the day you spent with her. Tell me about Sunday.”

Lena looked out the window on the other side of the room. Sunday was her favorite day. Sunday was perfect. So perfect that she sometimes found it hard to believe it really happened.

^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

Lena's smile tugged at the corner of her lips even before she opened her eyes awake. She was happy. So very happy. So very in love with her wife.

Her wife. It felt so wonderful thinking about the word that she suddenly had the urge to say it.

“You're my wife.” she mumbled sleepily, finally opening her eyes and feeling Kara's front press against her back.

Kara huffed in her sleep, burying her face deeper into Lena's neck and mumbling back just as sleepily, “You're _my_ wife.” her voice was raspy and hoarse and Lena felt a tingle run down her spine at how sexy it sounded.

Clearly the many - _many_ \- attempts at consummating their marriage last night did nothing to satisfy her completely.

She threaded her fingers with Kara's own over her stomach, fleetingly remembering Kara's words from last night as she stared at her flat stomach.

_I promise to give you a family if I can._

She felt kisses being peppered onto her neck as Kara began to slowly wake up. Lena turned in her arms finding the blonde's eyes still very much closed. She wrinkled her nose adorably that Lena couldn't help but fall in love with.

When it finally happened, when Kara finally opened her eyes, Lena felt the breath hitch. Felt her pulse quicken. Because the smile that Kara gave her stole her breath away. It rivaled every other smile that had ever been directed at her. Lena had never seen such a joyous smile, a smile that represented happiness in all its forms. It was miraculous. Magical. Kara's eyes sparkled with how breathtakingly beautiful her smile was and God help her Lena was so in love with her.

“So, we’re married now? You’re my wife?” Kara beamed from ear to ear, grinning brightly as she rolled over onto her back and spoke to the ceiling,  “Lena Keiran Luthor is my wife! Rao, if this doesn’t make me the luckiest person on Earth and all other planets… I don’t know what will!” she laughed joyfully for the first time in days.

Lena herself couldn’t help the giggle that left her, “And here I thought I was the lucky one.”

“Well I just hope you know what you’re getting yourself into.” Kara shrugged playfully.

“And what would that be?”

Kara rolled back to her side and hovered over Lena’s form, her elbow balanced on the mattress and her head placed in her palm, “Endless amounts of potstickers and pizzas.”

“Already used to that.” Lena deadpanned.

“Cheesy pickup lines.” Kara challenged again.

“It’s wasn’t your pickup lines that won me over.” Lena replied nonchalantly.

Kara smirked, “Charms that no girl can resist.”

“I’m not the jealous type.”

Kara narrowed her eyes, “Possibility of always spoiling the endings of movies and TV shows for you because I can’t keep it inside.”

“Doesn’t bother me.”

Kara inched her face closer, her voice becoming lower, “Always needing to kiss you.”

“I'm irresistible. It's not your fault.”

Kara chuckled softly at that, and Lena felt the air of her laugh on her lips as she inched even closer, “Always needing...” she dropped her glance to Lena's parted lips, causing Lena to softly gasp out, “You.” Kara finally whispered.

Lena's heart clenched in her chest and she reflexively wet her lips and bit down gently on them. “I can live with that.” she whispered slowly, nothing like the lightning comeback she was giving moments ago.

Kara in turn chuckled once more before placing her lips onto Lena's and kissing her softly. The affectionate kiss made her heart flutter with adoration. She slipped her hands in Kara's blonde hair, threading her fingers in the locks until she reached the back of Kara's head to pull her fully over.

Kara broke the kiss and turned her cheek to place a kiss in Lena's palm. She then took Lena's hand feathered kisses onto her knuckles, frowning slightly when she reached her ring finger, “I know I still haven’t gotten you a ring yet, but I promise you I will soon. I know this isn’t what you wanted and we can’t even tell anyone yet, but...”

“You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.” Lena admitted helplessly, smiling as the words left her lips at the little shock displayed on Kara's face. “I don't need a ring now. We'll worry about that later. All I care about right now is being here with my wife.”

The corner of Kara's mouth tugged upwards in a childish grin, “Your wife. I like the sound of that.”

“It does have a nice ring to it, doesn't it?”

“So does Mrs. Lena Danvers.” Kara closed one eye in anticipation of Lena's response to that.

Lena scoffed playfully, “Not even married for a full 24 hours and already you want me taking your name?”

Kara laughed at the response she got, “Actually I kinda like Mrs. Lena Danvers-Luthor a bit more to be honest.”

“And why does your name have to be first?” Lena arched a brow.

Kara sported a shit-eating grin on her face before she said, “Because I proposed.” she conceitedly said.

Lena gasped, “That's not...! Are you serious right now?!” she got even more frustrated when Kara began laughing so hard she had to roll on her back, “ _I_ proposed first! I spent _months_ planning that damn proposal! I ordered from that restaurant you love, I wrote a speech for you, I drove to Midvale to ask Eliza,” Kara continued to laugh harder and harder, now holding onto her stomach from how much she was laughing, and it just fumed Lena even more, making her sit up in the bed, “I even wore a fucking garter belt and panty hose set under my dress for you! Unbelievable!”

At that, Kara's attention caught onto her words, “You did?” she asked hopefully, looking like a kid getting an Xbox for his birthday.

Lena looked away defiantly, “You'll never know now, will you?” she muttered.

Kara scrambled to sit upright beside her, pressing her lips to Lena's bare shoulder, “I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry for laughing.” she placed another kiss onto Lena's cheek, “Will you show it to me?”

“No. You've lost your chance.”

Kara pouted, pushing her lower lip out and nuzzling her nose against Lena's. “Please, baby.”

“No amount of pouting will help you.”

“I promise to never laugh at you ever again. Please, I really wanna see that garter. I won’t be able to do much of anything else without thinking about it.” Kara whined.

Lena finally looked at her, “You willing to work for it?” she asked, a lazy smirk forming on her lips.

Kara Immediately understood, and with a rush of wind, Lena felt her back hit the mattress and a very horny Kryptonian between her legs. Kara feathered kisses along her hip bone, taking her time to nuzzle her stomach and even giving her a little bite there. When Lena felt several kisses be placed all over her flat stomach, she remembered the thought she had upon waking up.

“Can I ask you something?” she whispered, her voice frightened, something that Kara immediately picked up on as she raised her head.

“Of course, baby.”

“When you said you would give me a family if you could... What did you mean by that?” Lena asked, her voice quivering with hesitancy. Kara gave her a confused smile, so she rushed to clarify, “Did you - Did you mean we could...” she frowned when she couldn't articulate the storm of questions in her mind. “Can we...”

She stopped when she felt Kara breath out a small airy laugh against her stomach before placing a small kiss there, which immediately caused her to smile in response.

Kara kissed a trail all the way to her neck before looking into her eyes, “You want to know if we could get pregnant?”

Lena sighed through her smile, “Yes.”

Kara had a glint in her eyes, “It’s possible. Not exactly guaranteed, but it’s definitely possible.”

“How?” Lena couldn’t help but ask.

“I’ll show you in the DEO one day. My DNA is predominantly able to procreate with another’s regardless of gender, since back on Krypton, gender never dictated the idea of a family. It wasn’t as black and white as it is here. Gender wasn’t something that defined anyone per se. I guess you could say maybe hundreds or thousands of years ago, Krypton was just like Earth when it came to the idea of gender norms. But it hasn’t for a long time. So, over the years, scientists found a way for procreation to happen regardless of the gender of the parents.” Kara had a distant look in her eyes as she stared at the pillow behind Lena’s head, “Actually,” she looked back to Lena with a smile, “There was also a way for single parents to have biological children from their own DNA.”

Lena couldn’t help the small gasp that left her lips, “Really?”

Kara nodded, “Mhmm.”

“That’s beautiful.”

Kara frowned, “Was beautiful.” she corrected somberly.

The ache in Lena’s chest scratched at her chest at the sad look in her wife’s eyes. She drew closer, turning Kara’s face by a palm on her right cheek. She placed a small feathered kiss on Kara’s lips, “I’m sorry, darling. I wish there was a way for me to bring it all back for you.”

Kara stared at her for a few long seconds, before smiling sadly at her and replying, “It’s ok. I have you now.” she whispered before brushing her lips onto Lena’s own. They kissed slowly, languidly fitting their lips in a silent conversation of their love and affection for one another.

^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

“So, what happened next?” the doctor asked, observing her cautiously.

Lena gave a small smile, eyes distant staring at the edge of the table, “Strap in, Dr. Westfall. This is where the story gets interesting.” she whispered, “Let me tell you about the day Kara was killed.”


	14. The Second Kidnapping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last flashback chapter. Next chapter we go back to the present.  
> Before you begin, please be warned that Kara is killed in this chapter. It's a detailed description of her death and it's not exactly pretty. I will remind you that the plot will revolve around Kara coming back but it doesn't make this chapter any easier to read. Tread carefully. Good luck.

 

**Day 6 - Saturday, September 23  - The Second Kidnapping**

 

Lena woke up with a searing headache. She remembered going to sleep in Kara's arms, but now as she tried to open her eyes, she found herself standing. Her wrists and feet tied around the metal pole behind her. She coughed out, feeling pain in her ribs, before she looked around her. Her mind was still trying to figure what had happened. Her hair stuck to her face as she turned from side to side to figure out where she was.

She had gone to sleep in Kara's arms after they had made love. She had gone to sleep smiling. Happy even. _What happened?_ She didn't remember being kidnapped, didn't remember being dragged out of bed.

“Kar?” she croaked out, her throat was dry and she didn't call out Kara's name in case someone heard her and Kara was in her supersuit. Lena looked around, finding herself in yet another empty warehouse.

Her feet were bare and she was wearing her sweatpants and tank top. She could see bruises on her shoulder and her feet were chafed from digging into concrete. She dropped her head back and looked up in desperation, sending out a prayer to Rao or whoever was listening that she would get out of this one alive. That she would go back to the warm safety of her wife's arms. She was just so tired of being kidnapped or being beaten. It needed to stop.

“Mother!” she shouted at the top of her lungs. Whatever Lilian wanted, she wanted to get it over with.

Her voice echoed in the warehouse, seeming as though she was the only one there.

“Mother!” she tried again, shouting as loud as she could. She waited no more than a few seconds before she heard the echo of heels tapping against the ground.

“Good. You're awake.” the shrill voice came from behind her. Lena lifted her head slightly to watch as her mother emerged from behind and walked to stand in front of her.

Lena was helpless to stop herself from whining like a desperate child, “What do you want with me this time?” she complained pathetically.

“Oh, it's not you I wanted this time.” Lilian smirked, just as the door opened on the other side of the warehouse and two men came in dragging a body behind them by her arms.

Lena immediately recognised the blue suit and red cape and felt her heart clench in her chest in fear.

“Supergirl!” she screamed.

But Kara was unconscious. She didn't stir nor did she reply as her beaten body was dragged and thrown in front of Lilian's feet.

“Such a shame. That you'd react so strongly to a vile creature such as this.” Lilian observed. She used the tip of her heel to push at Kara's shoulder until the body rolled onto its back.

Another man rushed and stood beside Lilian, opening a briefcase and holding it open for her. She smiled as she looked at the contents of the case. Lena noticed a vial and an injection gun neatly placed in the foam of the inside of the case.

“You see, my darling daughter, the first time I kidnapped you was merely a distraction. I needed the police and the media's attention on you while a few of my men broke into L-Corp to retrieve this precious thing,” she held up the vial and Lena stiffened as she recognised what it was.

“H-how did you...”

“It doesn't really matter how I got my hands on your little Kryptonite antidote.” Lilian smiled as she reached for the gun inside the case and placed the vial in its place inside the gun. She tapped the needle and clocked the vial before smiling down at her accomplishment.

Lena felt the air leave her lungs at what was about to come next, “Mother... Wait. You don't...” She stuttered over her words as she watched Lillian make her way back towards Kara's unconscious body.

“Oh, but why wait, my child? You created something spectacular. And all scientific experiments need to be tested on subjects. And look! We have a subject who fits our criteria right here.” she spoke dangerously slowly, like she had all the time in the world.

And Lena felt the dread overcome her body as she realized she _did_ have all the time in the world. The only person who was able to save them from this was lying on the floor unconscious. There was no one to know whether the DEO even knew they were missing. No one was coming for them. And Lillian knew it.

Lillian smirked as she crouched down beside Kara's body, “Such a waste. To have all that power coursing through you only to be succumbed to a weak thing barely able to stay alive by a mere green substance.”

“Humans are no different,” Lena shouted at her, struggling against her cuffs trying to reach Kara, “We are no different from them. We act all high and mighty but one drop of cyanide, one whiff of hydrogen sulphide, one small bullet to the head and we instantly perish. Just like Kryptonite. So, why is it do you hate Kryptonians so much, mother, when they are not much different from us?”

Lillian considered the question before answering, “Because they are an anomaly. Not normal.”

“What is even normal?!” Lena shouted her dread.

“It isn't right. Having that much power.”

“How is that different from you creating your super soldiers?! How is it different from those metas you've helped set loose? _They're_ the anomaly!”

“No, they're science. Everything I have accomplished I did so with science. But this,” She looked disgustingly at Kara, “This is simply privilege. And it's a walking ticking time bomb waiting to implode on us. Do you not realize what would happen if these creatures realize the amount of power they have over us? How easy it would be for them to crush our very existence? To eradicate humans from this planet? We don't have any control over them and that there is what's wrong with all of this.”

Lena continued to struggle against the cuffs, pulling her body away from the metal pole. She felt the cuffs digging into her wrists, no doubt leaving behind angry bruises in their wake. She was desperate. She desperately needed to find a way out of this for the both of them, because this time Supergirl wasn't about to barge through those doors and save them.

“Mother, No!” Lena screamed, a high pitched sound of dread. “That's too much! Please!”

Lillian took her time, adjusting the needle head onto the gun.

Lena was breathless, her mind frantic, trying desperately to find something to bargain, until she remembered, “L-Corp! I'll give you L-Corp! I'll step down as CEO and assign you as my replacement! You've always wanted the company. I'll give it to you. Just please! Please don't do this! I don't know what that serum does yet!”

Lillian turned around with a thoughtful frown on her face, “You'd give up the one thing you care about for this woman?”

Lena ignored the question and redirected it, “I'd give it up to _you_. You'd have full control of all my companies. Think about how much more research you can invest in CADMUS projects with that much money in your reach. With L-Corp, you'll have thousands of research labs at your disposal. Hundreds of thousands of scientists under your control at your beck and call.” Lena was reaching for that last thread of hope, that small sliver of chance that she could barely touch with the tip of her fingers of her and Kara surviving this.

Lillian smiled darkly, “Unfortunately for you, darling, I already have an abundance of money for my projects.”

“Just tell me what you want!” Lena was angry now, frustrated at having lost that thread of hope, “Tell me what it is you want! I can give you more money! Power! Connections! Whatever you want!” she shouted angrily, only to switch back to desperation once more, “I'll stop looking for an antidote for Kryptonite and instead find you a way to control the Supers! I'll be on your side! I'll rectify my testimony and say I lied in court so that Lex can get out of prison!” she struggled with her cuffs, getting angry again, “Just tell me what you want!”

“My, my, you are in the giving mood today, aren't you?” Lillian gave a dry chuckle.

“This isn't funny! Just tell me what you want!” Lena grunted, pulling her body angrily away from the metal pole and hissing at the feeling of the cuffs digging in her wrists.

“It's simple. I want to try this serum. See if it works.” Lillian shrugged nonchalantly.

“It doesn't! It doesn't work! I can show you my research! I don't know what it does yet but it doesn't fully negate the effects of Kryptonite.” Lena hurried to explain, hoping maybe if she explained that to her mother she wouldn't try it.

Lillian only smirked, “Well if you don't know what it does then the more reason we should try it.”

“Alright! Alright, we'll try it! But please not that much! That dosage is too much! I don't know what it'll do! Please, mother, let me test out a small sample on her, that way we could both see what it does!”

Lillian almost looked interested. Almost. But almost was what Lena needed.

“If you use the whole serum then we won't be able to do multiple tests on her. But with small samples we could test out the serum under different conditions. Change the proportions, play around with the sample, until we get it right and use it as a base to create something better. Something that could control the Supers!” her words sliced through her heart, the notion of ever hurting Kara let alone controlling her made her want to gauge her mother's eyes out, but she was desperate. Desperate to save the love of her life. Her wife. Even if it was at the cost of becoming another evil Luthor in a long line of ones.

Lillian thought it over, taking a step towards the body laid on the floor in front of them, her heels the only sound breaking the silence that made Lena's ears want to bleed. She crouched down beside Kara's body, looking at the Kryptonian as though she had all the time in the world. And then finally, “No. I'd much rather just use the whole of the serum.” she smirked, just as she fisted Kara's hair and pulled her head slightly up.

“Mother! No!” Lena screamed, pulling and pulling at the cuffs around her wrists.

Her screams fell on deaf ears as Lillian disregarded everything she had just said and shot the full vial into Kara's neck.

Kara woke up with a deep suffocating inhale of breath, her chest rising off the ground before her body and her eyes bulging as though just had been shot with five doses of adrenaline. She placed a hand on her chest, seemingly trying to calm her heartbeat that was probably beating a mile a minute.

That concoction could have done any number of things to her. Lena was barely in the stages of running test runs and she was planning on doing so by small tiny doses and even smaller pieces of kryptonite to test the effects. Not shoot her up with a substance she herself didn't even know of its capabilities.

She watched as Kara surveyed the scene around her, her eyes frantically looking from one thing to the next in question. She finally caught Lena's eye and her worry doubled, “Le-” she cut herself off when she suddenly realized where they were, who she was, and who was with them.

“Nice of you to join us, Ms. Danvers.” Lena's eyes widened at her mother knowing Kara's identity, “This will be more fun with you wide awake to feel it.” Lillian smirked, as she made her way back to the briefcase held open for her. There was another injection gun in there that Lena hadn't noticed before.

But she did now. And she especially noticed the already attached vial inside of it holding neon green liquid.

“No!” She suddenly shouted, the dread creeping its way down her spine at the reality of the situation. “No! Mother, please! I'm begging you!”

Kara looked still in her confused disoriented state, trying to move off the ground but feeling especially dizzy. Lena's eyes went from the gun to Kara's body, back to the green liquid.

Kara shook her head quickly as though to get rid of the dizziness and tried to get up again, only to fall back on her knees, “Why can't I...?” she muttered to herself.

Lillian tapped the needle once more, holding up the gun for the very first time and Lena finally got a glimpse of just how much kryptonite it held.

“That's too much!” she screamed, “Mother, please you can't do this! That'll kill her!”

Kara finally looked up and saw the needle. Her eyes widened in fear and Lena felt her heart breaking at how much she looked like a scared child right then. She tried backing away, but her hands slipped weakly like they couldn't hold her up. Lillian strode closer, looking like a lioness having trapped her prey.

Lena dragged her eyes away from Kara and back to her mother, “I have all of Lex's files! You can have them all! They have all of his findings on Superman, all of his research! Secrets you wouldn't even believe! His notes on Kryptonite!” Lillian gave her another thoughtful glance and Lena latched onto it desperately, “Think about it mother! Think about how much we could accomplish with his notes! We can build hundreds of Lexosuits! Finally learn Krypton's secrets! Stop this and I'll give you everything! The company, the files, the research, my testimony, I'll give you everything that I have. I'll work for you!” she shouted that last part once she saw Lillian walk closer to Kara and crouch down.

Kara tried backing away, but it seemed as though she was still disoriented, dizzy even, not knowing where up and down were.

“I'm sorry, darling, but I find this much more appealing.” she smiled dangerously at the blonde.

Lena turned to her wife, struggling more with the handcuffs, “Kara! You need to try to fly away!” she screamed, hoping it would help Kara find her strength.

At that, Lillian laughed darkly, “Oh, darling, there's no point. This whole facility's ventilation system is infused with small kryptonite particles. Not to mention the red sun lamps above taking away her powers.”

Lena watched Kara try to focus her eyes, only for them to suddenly fall closed and her head to stumble forward waking the blonde up immediately. Kara looked as though she was seeing doubles. She looked  barely able to keep her eyes open and now Lena knew why.

“Try to run, Kara! You can run! Just get to the door and you'll be able to fly then!” she shouted her words, pulling herself roughly away from the metal pole. When Kara turned to her voice as though noticing her for the first time, she frowned, a pout on her lips at the prospect of not knowing what to do. “Don't worry about me, just get out of here!!” Lena shouted harder, causing the blonde to try and move, but she only stumbled onto her face on the ground. She tried dragging her body on the floor, but she barely got inches away before falling tired on her face again.

And when Lena turned to see her mother smiling down at her with the green liquid in her hand....

She knew it was over.

It took one long slowed down second for her to make that realization.

That they weren't getting out of here alive. That this was it. This was the end.

In that second, she remembered rejecting Kara's proposal for this very reason.

She remembered making the stupid decision of wanting to create an antidote for Kryptonite. How it all lead to this very moment.

She remembered their first kiss that night, how nervous she was. Their first time together, how much they were both desperate to get the other undressed.

It all came tumbling down in front of her eyes.

_I promise to give you a family if I could._

And she remembered Kara's promise. Imagining their life together with two beautiful kids. A little boy with blonde hair and blue eyes. A girl with lovely green eyes and a dark shade of blonde hair. Lena imagined Kara playing in the living room of their new house. Holding her son up in the air and flying him around like Superman, only for the older daughter to jump on the sofas around them following them in her Supergirl cape.

It all came crashing down on her in that single second.

And she broke.

“Kara, close your eyes.” Lena choked out, there was nothing they could do, nothing left to say, “Close your eyes, baby.” tears rushed down her cheeks as she sobbed for what was about to happen. “Please, baby, just close your eyes and it’ll be over soon. It won’t hurt as much if you close your eyes, darling.” She sobbed her words, ignoring the rest of the world and holding onto her wife’s ocean blue eyes.

Memorizing.

Claiming to memory every single detail about Kara’s face. Because deep down, the dread coursing through her body told her it would be the last time she saw her.

But Kara didn't listen. At least not at first. She held on Lena's eyes as her body began to tremble from pain as the Kryptonite's proximity came closer. She held Lena's eyes until the last second. And just then, just when the needle was barely an inch from her neck, she mouthed the words _I love you_ and closed her teary eyes.

Lena felt the needle stab through her heart as she watched it pierce through Kara's neck causing the Kryptonian's eyes to bulge out in shock and pain. Kara let out a choked sob, her mouth agape in shock of how painful the stab was. Lena screamed her name over and over again, fighting against the cuffs binding her and keeping her from saving her wife.

“Kara!!” she screamed, dread making the last syllable of the word sound shaken, “Kara!!” she screamed again, and again, and again.

She watched as Kara's body loosely fell to the floor, spasming horrifyingly. It looked like an overdose. But it was much more worse. Because Lena slowly realized this was how Kara was about to die. This was the exact moment of her death.

And for the life of her she couldn’t look away.

Not when the ground beneath shook with the impact of an explosion nearby. The fire that started from a blast and the concrete giving out in one of the walls. Lena kept her eyes on her dying wife even as shouts were heard around her, and guns fired near her. Kara’s body stopped spasming and what came next was what finally confirmed her death.

Her skin suddenly started to become ashen black. Some kind of disease that spread from the pinprick where the needle pierced, causing black lines to travel down her neck and along the rest of her body under the suit. Kara’s normally glowing skin took on a gray color. A dead color. And Lena felt the air leave her when the color of death slowly became darker. There was no more a glowing pinkness to the peach colored skin she was used to. No smoothness to it. Instead, Kara’s skin had become wrinkled and shriveled and looked as though it would turn to dust from a single touch. And finally, her hair. Gone was the mass of golden tresses that Lena loved. And in their place once more, the color of death.

“How did they get here so fast?!” she heard her mother shout at one of her guards.

But Lena only heard the words in a world of echo. As though she was alone in this room with Kara’s body, and the rest of the world was behind a glass wall.

She focused her eyes on the chest, praying that maybe it would rise with a breath in. But it stayed frozen, motionless of any air going into her lungs. When Lena dragged her eyes back to Kara’s face, she gasped silently in horror. Kara’s body was quickly disintegrating, looking more and more like a corpse every second that went by. She looked like a corpse that had been dead for days.

And Lena knew she would never be able to get that image out of her head ever again. She knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep without being haunted by that image in her nightmares.

“Take her!” someone shouted, and Lena assumed she was about to be dragged along with her mother to use as bait, or some sort of huma shield. It sure wouldn’t be the first time.

But before any of that could happen, she felt a blinding pain on the back of her head, darkness suddenly taking over.

And she welcomed it.

~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

“I was knocked out by a heavy rock falling on my head from the ceiling. That was the last thing I remember from that day. I woke up in the hospital a day later.” Lena finally said, concluding her story with, “And Kara was dead.”

She didn’t mention that there was no body left for them to bury. When Lena asked Alex, she said there was only a pile of dust where her body was. The whole building collapsed from the explosions that barely a handful of people got out alive.

Silence. That was what followed her story for a long time. Dr. Westfall was silent. And Lena had a feeling she was internally horrified, maybe even scared, though none of it showed on her face. Lena did however glimpse a drop of sympathy on her face at one point in the story, but it was professionally wiped away.

Lena needed to fill the silence some way, and she used humor to do so, something that she had picked up from Alex’s dark sense of humor, “Have I won your award of most complicated and insane case yet?” she snickered.

Dr. Westfall didn’t seem to approve of the dark humor. She swallowed down, glancing down at the filled page of her notebook before looking back up at Lena, “You’ve been through way too much for someone to be able to sit there as strong as you and have a normal conversation with me.” The doctor commented, “If anything, I find you the most resilient of all my cases. Clinically insane is not a word I throw around easily. And I assure you, you are not.”

 _If only you knew._ Lena couldn’t help but think.

“Do you feel guilty for surviving?” the doctor asked her.

“Shouldn't I?” Lena asked with a smile, her next words came out slow and casual, “She shouldn't have paid for something that I did. _I_ created the serum. _I_ made the decision to find an antidote. _I'm_ the one with the dysfunctional family. She had no role in any of this.”

“Do you think your guilt is present because you survived or that she was killed?”

Lena scoffed, smiling darkly, “Both. I have enough guilt to go around.”


	15. Dead But Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena and Alex infiltrate the ship that housed the man who would have the answers they were looking for. But what they find is something much worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised you guys we'd get to see our favorite blonde superhero as soon as those flashbacks were over and I intend to deliver :)  
> This chapter will finally tie all the loose knots that were left. Everything will fall into place. Hopefully.

“Alpha team waiting for orders.”

Alex tapped her earpiece, “Copy that, Alpha. Stand by.” her eyes watched every movement in the dead of the night. “Bravo team proceed to the rear.”

“Bravo proceeding.”

Alex turned around to face Lena and the two marines in their teams. Lena knew Alex was still against the idea of her tagging along, but they both knew how important this was for the both of them. They were aboard the ship that housed the notorious man who was her mother's closest second hand. They get to him, they get to her mother. They were so close, Lena could feel it. This man was the key. She did the research, if anyone was to know where her mother was hiding it would be this man. And they were aboard the same ship that he was in. 

Alex had hired a team of black ops marines to carry out the mission with them. Two people going in to do what they were about to do was suicide. 

It was still suicide what they were about to do. But at least they had better odds of surviving with marines taking out the armed guards on the ship. 

Alex pointed at one of the marines, “You. Stay with her at all times.” she pointed at Lena, “She doesn't leave your sight just as I instructed. If she gets hurt, if so much as a nail is broken, then you won't be leaving this ship with both your arms intact.” she threatened dangerously. 

Lena rolled her eyes at her. Alex still thought of her as that scared Luthor girl that she had found one year ago in that warehouse. Alex felt a sense of responsibility towards her and Lena had always been grateful for it. But she had always wanted for Alex to see that she had changed. That she no longer relied on people protecting her. 

Alex caught the eye roll, “Don't make me regret bringing you along.” she pointed at her dangerously. 

Lena sighed before walking past her to her post. They had revised the plan approximately 74 times. Alex was nothing if not thorough. They were a total of seven teams, two people on each team. The plan was they would have a team on all four corners of the ship deck, and two teams in the middle on each side, while the last team stood by far away for extraction. Figuring out the mechanics of  _ how  _ to get to the ship was what took the most time to plan. They went through scenarios of using helicopters or aircrafts. It proved to be too loud and unpredictable. The landing would be too risky. They thought of using motor boats and jetskis, but eventually came to the same conclusion that they would be far too loud and they would eventually lose the element of surprise. 

In the end, they decided on diving towards the ship. With the use of a slow but quiet motorboat, they made their way to a point that was a few miles away from the ship. They then put on their diving equipments and jumped underwater. Using her contacts, Alex was able to get ahold of diving propulsion devices to make their way to the ship underwater. They were cutting it close, the distance to the ship would take a few seconds longer than the time they had in their oxygen tanks, but thankfully they all made it. 

The plan was to make their way from the rear and front of the deck towards the middle and silently take out the armed guards. The only blind area they weren't able to get any heat signatures from nor any indications of what it held was the lower deck. The lower deck of the ship was completely sealed off from their heat sensing drones and the satellite images they took of the ship. It was as though the whole lower deck was sealed shut with granite. No way to know for sure what lay underneath. 

Lena held her gun tightly, screwing on her silencer as she stood against the wall in hiding. 

Alex's voice suddenly came over their earpieces, “Alpha. Proceed.” she gave the order. They all waited for the five seconds that Alex had instructed them on. Lena could hear a distant snap of a neck. 

“One down.”

Five seconds went by and Alex's voice spoke in their earpieces, “Sparrow and Gunslinger. Proceed.” she gave the second order. 

Five more seconds. 

“Raider and Raven. Proceed.” she gave the final order as hers and Lena's team made their way to clear any guards towards the side entrances. 

Lena watched as her partner sneaked behind a guard with a rifle. He snatched his arm around the guards neck, and using his thumb, gave him a shot of sodium thiopental. It was one of L-Corp's newest weapons technology. A thumb sleeve that is supplied with tiny scale-like needles. The sleeve is supplied with doses of sodium thiopental. One small strategic injection to the neck and the person was out. 

And that was exactly what happened as the guard fell back and was dragged to where Lena was leaning close to the wall with her gun up. 

“Number 5 is down.”

“6 down.” She heard Alpha speak in her ear. 

Lena moved silently with her partner - Lt. Jonathan was his name, honorably discharged. She noticed the guard ahead and used sign language to get her partner's attention and motion for him that she was going for the kill. She sneaked quickly a few feet closer until she was close enough to strangle his neck with her her arm. One shot with her thumb to the neck, and he was out. 

“Number 7 is down.” she spoke to all the other teams. 

They continued taking out all mercenaries around the outer deck of the ship. Neck snapping if it was necessary or putting them to sleep. They couldn't risk someone making any type of sound and alerting the others. And they needed to take them all out before they had to all check in with the people in charge inside. With the help of recon, they were able to find out that check in for all units happened every half hour. And in every half hour, every guard had to report that everything was clear on their end. Which is why Alex gave strict instructions on how many guards should be taken out in the exact minutes and the way to do so efficiently. Hence why they had rehearsed their plan 74 times. 

It was easy taking out people inside the cabin. The element of surprise and the speed at which they moved helped turn the shocked faces into unconscious ones. The count of guards down kept increasing as they cleared hallways and rooms until Alex shot the last one. 

“That's 40 down.” she declared through the earpiece. “Target is left.” 

She nodded at Lena, who was standing beside her with her own gun, and they both looked at the door in front of them, hoping the answers they were searching for lie inside. 

“Breach on my mark.” Alex whispered. She put up three fingers. 

Two. 

One. 

The doors were pushed open and what they found inside was much worse. 

* * *

“Stand down, Marines.” Alex shouted, “This is her kill.”

Lena stood frozen in place, gun finally -  _ finally _ \- pointed at her mother. 

Their target was nowhere to be found. The man who was to lead them to Lillian, tell them where she was hiding. Instead, they came face to face with Lillian herself. The woman, the mother, who had started all of this. The reason Lena got out of bed in the morning. The only drive she possessed to not simply break down and cry over her dead wife. 

Lillian never flinched. Not even showed a hint of surprise or fear. She was a Luthor after all. She stood there, chin up high and mighty at an angle like all Luthor chins and hands clasped in front of her. The only evidence of her defeat was the lack of the notorious Luthor smirk. The one that always claimed they were one step ahead of their opponent. 

Not this time. 

This time, Lena had the upper hand for once. For once, she wasn't the one standing opposite the gun barrel. She was the one aiming it. And God, did it feel satisfying. It negated all the countless, numerous times that she had been held at gunpoint. It was oh so satisfying.

Lillian gave a small smile, nothing like the grin she normally had plastered on, but a more hesitant one. “Is this any way to greet your mother, darling?”

God, she was infuriating. Lena even noticed Alex react to her words with a snark. 

Lena's own lips moved in disgust, “A daughter learns from her mother, does she not?” 

“I suppose she does.” Lillian simply said, thinking it through. 

“I've waited a long time for this.” Lena tightened her grip on the pistol, aiming precisely between those green eyes of her mother. 

“Don't be absurd, darling. You won't kill your own mother.”

“And why wouldn't I?” Lena replied slowly, never faltering in her aim. 

“The same reason why I've never killed you nor would I ever will. We're family.” Lillian shrugged as though it was obvious. 

“You were  _ never  _ my family!” Lena barked back, using the gun to emphasize her point. 

“Please.” Lillian rolled her eyes playfully, “Just because our family has a few unresolved issues, does not mean we are not a family. You will always be one of us, Lena. Embrace it.”

“I am  _ nothing  _ like the rest of you.” Lena hissed. “I'm done listening to your nonsense, mother.” she clicked the gun, taking a step closer, “You should know, I won't rest until I kill your precious Lex as well. The only Luthor that will be left on this Earth is me and I'll make sure to erase every single wretched thing you and your son have done that soiled the Luthor name.”

“Oh, but darling, if you kill me, you won't see the surprise that I had in store for you.” 

And in that moment, the Luthor smirk was back on Lillian's face. 

“I don't really much care for your surprises.” Lena said as a last remark before straightening her aim, getting ready to fire. Her grip tightened, knuckles turning white. 

“If you'd like to see your precious Supergirl again, I suggest you put the gun down.” Lillian hurried to say, feeling her end was near. 

Lena felt her heart hammer in her chest at the sudden words that made it hard for her to breathe. 

Silence stretched on as Lena gripped the pistol tighter, using every ounce of her strength to tighten her grip. 

Alex's voice made it through the storm of her thoughts, “It's a bluff. Don't fall for it, Lena.” her own pistol was also aimed at the woman. Alex inched closer, side stepping to where Lena stood to speak for her ears only, “It's ok if you can't go through with this.” she whispered, her eyes never leaving Lillian's form, her aim never faltering. “You could wait outside and I'll take care of it. Or we could cuff her and take her in. It's your choice, Lena. You did this. You got us here.”

Lena clenched her jaw, gritted her teeth at the look on Lillian's face. She was losing that upper hand. As soon as her mother mentioned her wife, she felt that sense of satisfaction slowly slipping through her fingers. 

Lillian noticed this and pushed further, “Supergirl. National City's golden girl. I have her. She's alive.”

“You're lying!” Lena seethed.

“Am I? Think carefully before you pull that trigger, darling. I injected her with  _ your  _ serum. The serum was supposed to negate the effects of Kryptonite.”

Lena's eyes began to glisten with unshed tears. Out of all the people in the world, the  _ one  _ person she refused to live that day with, was her mother. The person who killed her wife. 

“But it didn't!” Lena shouted, her anger frustration and grief bubbling to the surface, “I watched her  _ die _ ! Watched you  _ kill  _ her! And now you get to pay for it!” 

She stepped even closer, panting angrily, chest heaving with unresolved grief. And for the first time, Lillian looked scared. She held up her palms in defense. 

“Think, Lena! If the serum didn't stop the kryptonite that it must've done something!” 

“It did nothing!” 

“It stopped her body regeneration! Put her in stasis.”

Lena frowned, narrowing her eyes at her mother, “That's impossible. I would've known if I...”

“If you had created a death-defying serum that temporarily stops the body from aging and puts it in a state of permanent equilibrium?” Lillian completed for her, “Oh, but you did, Lena.”

It was impossible. But as Lena began running the calculations in her head, she was starting to realize how close the serum's composition came to what Lillian was describing. 

But it couldn't be. It shouldn't be possible. She would have known if she had created something that... 

That groundbreaking. 

Alex voiced came from beside her again, whispering words that she knew to be true, “Don't fall for it, Lena. You've come too far to be fooled by something like this. She's just desperate.”

Lena still remained quiet. Although her eyes never left her mother's sight, her mind was creating possible outcomes to her serum, scenarios that could have unfolded, possibilities of the potential that the vial she had created could have. 

“Lena.” Alex warned, her own eyes never leaving Lillian's form. 

“She's... She could be telling the truth.” Lena whimpered, desperation clinging to her like the darkness of the night. 

“She could also be lying.” Alex replied sternly. 

“I-I know. But...”

“I’m not lying, Lena.” Lillian suddenly said, her eyes showing a hint of fear. “She's close. I'll take you to her, Lena. We'll go together.”

“No!” Lena shouted. “You're not going anywhere!” she emphasized through clenched teeth. 

Two sides of her were battling each other as she fought against wanting to see if Kara was alive and not wanting to waste this opportunity of finally having her mother at the end of her gun's barrel. 

“Where?” she finally asked, question directed at her mother. 

“Somewhere safe. Hidden. I'll only take you. No one else gets to come.”

“Like hell you will!” Alex growled. 

“Alex.” Lena whispered, finally taking her eyes off of her mother and looking at the woman beside her. “Alex.” she whispered again, realization suddenly dawning on her.

“What?” Alex answered angrily, her eyes never leaving Lillian's. 

Lena's eyes were wide, “The lower deck!” she whispered. Suddenly realizing that the reason they couldn't get any information on what was below deck was because they were hiding something down there. 

Alex's jaw clenched, Lena's words having an effect on her. She had been awfully pissed and surprised she couldn't find any information on what was below deck. It was one part of her plan she couldn't perfect, not knowing what lay underneath. It made sense if Lillian was hiding something as formidable as the Girl of Steel herself. 

“She could still be bluffing!” she grunted. 

“But what if she wasn't?!” Lena desperately replied, her voice shaking. 

Alex flinched slightly, her lips twisting with indecision. She gripped her gun tighter, still aimed at Lillian who looked more afraid now after the mention of the lower deck. 

“You two.” Alex gestured to two of the Marines, “Cuff her wrists  _ and  _ her ankles.” she pointed to Lillian. “Put a bag over her head and shoot her up with some of that sodium thiopental and keep your guns pointed at her at all times! She so as  _ moves _ the wrong way, you shoot her. Understood?” 

“Yes, ma'am.” they both replied curtly. 

“Let's go.” she told Lena, leading the way to find the entrance into the lower deck of the ship. 

It wasn't hard to find their way to the lower deck. Alex and Lena made their way down, taking two steps on the stairs at a time. Lena's head was whirling with thoughts and tormenting emotions. Her breath ragged less from the stairs and more from the expectation of what lie beneath. 

It couldn't be that simple. Nothing ever was. 

And that was the last thought Lena had just as they opened up the metal doors to an empty laboratory. 

A broken choked sob sounded from Lena's throat at what she saw before her. It was impossible. She had dreamed of a possibility likes countless times. But those were just that. Dreams. Figment of imagination that broken the aura of reality. They were just dreams. 

But this. This was very much real. 

Situated in the middle of the dim lit room was a glass body chamber, similar to the ones usually filled with water Lena used back in L-Corp. The chamber was under a four bright yellow lamps, one of two sources of light in the room. 

But Lena's eyes registered nothing other than the body inside the tank. The sculpted body of a blonde laid peacefully inside. 

Kara. 

Before Lena could hinder another thought, her feet were taking her running to her wife. To the woman she loved.  _ Loves.  _

Lena placed a palm over the glass surface of the tank, looking inside at the blonde beauty. She looked nothing like the image of the last time she had seen her. When her skin was prickly ashen white and her hair frizzled to that of gray. The woman Lena looked at now, looked everything like her wife and nothing like the woman who was killed in front of her. 

She felt another sob, a gasp from beside her, and turned to find an equally shocked Alex. Her eyes were shiny, glistening. Both of their eyes were. When they looked at one another, Lena felt their broken memories, memories of how broken they were float around them. All the drunken nights, the fights, the training, and the sleepless nights. It all came back in their eyes. 

Lena looked back to Kara's body, her heart reacting for a millisecond at the possibility that it might not be there if her eyes strayed too long away from it. As though, if she blinked long enough, Kara would disappear again. 

Her body ached to breakdown. To fall down on her knees and cry her eyes out for all the times that she hadn't cried. She could feel that Alex herself was also close to a breakdown. But they couldn't. None of this would be worth a tear until Lena saw Kara open her baby blue eyes and smile back at her with that bright smile. 

She noticed a computer screen, monitoring Kara's vitals and she made her way to it, putting her gun back in the holster at her waist. Lena read the numbers on the screen, her mind still reeling at the minute possibility of Kara being alive. She read chemical formulas similar to the ones she had worked on while creating her serum. She picked up a tablet on the table, clicked it on and began tapping anxiously, trying to find the explanation to all of this. A reasoning behind Kara still being alive. 

And the means to waking her up. 

Lena flipped to another page and found lab reports. She skimmed through them, finding out that Kara's blood still contained a great amount of her serum. It flowed through her blood stream, mixing in with her blood and not at all flushed out like it should have been. She flipped to another page and read that the serum had a regenerative effect that was a side effect. A positive one that is. In a way, it did negate the effects of Kryptonite, just not the way she had intended. According to the year-worth of research that she was skimming through quickly, her serum tended to put the host body

“How is this possible?” Alex whispered beside her. Lena turned to realize she had walked to the vitals screen and was reading the numbers that proved Kara was very much alive. 

“I... I don't know. I didn't...” 

_ Didn't expect this when I created the serum.  _

Alex turned to her pointing at the screen, “Serum X25. Is that the one you...?” 

Lena nodded. 

“So the serum worked? It negated the effects of Kryptonite?” Alex asked. 

Lena frowned thoughtfully, “Well, not exactly. I mean it  _ did  _ stop the kryptonite from killing her but it didn't negate it as much as it just stopped it from reaching her body.”

“But the Kryptonite was  _ inside  _ her body.” Alex pointed out. 

“I still haven't figured out that part. I-I don't... I can't give you an answer to something I wasn't aware of up until a few minutes ago.” Lena replied, her tone frustrated from the stress of reading too much information in such a short amount of time and finding an answer to questions not Alex but she also had. 

Lena swiped a few pages more on the tablet, “It says here that the serum basically put her body through an immense amount of shock in order to make it think that it had died.” she frowned, “That's why her skin turned gray.” she mumbled to herself. Lena looked up to see Alex still staring at her and she cleared her throat to continue her explanation, “But instead of decomposing like any corpse would, the serum halted that process by forming some sort of cocoon around her...” she looked at Alex again who had an eyebrow raised, “Yes, I know how absurd it all sounds, believe me.” 

She quickly flipped a few more pages until she found what she was looking for, “Here.” she mumbled more to herself and began paraphrasing from her understanding of what she was reading, “The serum acted as a protective gel-like substance around her organs, bones and major arteries. It stopped the kryptonite from reaching her body. And then over time it also disintegrated the green substance.”

Lena's mind was rushed from one thought to another, “Incredible.” she whispered. 

“Lena.” Alex called, pulling her out of her thoughts, “Can you save her? Can she...” Alex clenched her jaw in pain, “Can she wake up?” she asked, her voice shaking. 

_ Save her.  _

It never crossed Lena's mind to  _ actually  _ be able to save her. Her mind was running a mile a minute and not once did she fathom the thought of seeing Kara awake and smiling. It was impossible. 

“Focus, Lena!” Alex pulled her again from her thoughts. 

“Save her. I... I can- Yes, I can save her.” she stuttered out, her hands shaking, “I- I can save her. I just need to create an antidote to the serum.”

“Antidote?”

Lena immediately began to work, buzzing around the room and grabbing materials she needed, “Yes, an antidote. My serum didn't work the way I thought it would. Instead of simply striking the Kryptonite, it formed a protective shield and protected her  _ from  _ it.” Lena opened a fridge and grabbed a tray of test tubes labeled with different chemicals she needed. She hoped she could find everything she needed but wasn't too worried. Her mother was always thorough when it came to her labs. “The serum worked like a poison. A venom that worked its way into her body and acted like a cancer until it multiplied enough to cover the inside of her whole body. The serum's job was to protect her. But it didn't do its job the way I anticipated it. It put Kara into some sort of protective coma.”

Alex looked at her sister, “She's been in a coma for a whole year, and we... We didn't even know.” she whispered to herself, causing Lena's own heart to clench in her chest as she heard the words while preparing her antidote. 

Because it was true. They've looked for Kara those first few months. Not for  _ her,  _ but for her body. Until they had given up and Lena told Alex that her body was probably the pile of dust that was left on the ground. 

But in the end, they had given up. 

Given up on Kara. And all this time she had been in a coma within her mother's grasps. 

Lena blinked her eyes several times to refocus herself. She couldn't think about such things now. She needed to concentrate on making the antidote. She swirled the mixture she made and poured it into another test tube. Lena scampered to the other side of the room and put the new test tube in a centrifuge. 

“Is there anything I can do?” Alex called out to her. 

“Yes.” Lena looked at her sternly, fear evident in both their eyes, “I need you to open the tank.” 

Alex swallowed down at the severity of her task. She looked at her Marines then, pointing at them, “You heard her. Help me open up this thing.”

Lena hurried back to the tablet, flipping through the pages to read the findings that Lillian's researchers discovered while studying the serum and Kara's vitals. Her pupils went back and forth along the lines of the research, ears listening in to the centrifuge waiting to catch the sound of it finishing its task. 

Lillian's team of scientists tried taking samples of the serum but were unable to. Because Kara's body was filled with her serum, they weren't able to take a sample of her blood, even with the use of kryptonite. Lena read through countless experiments they tried to extract the serum to study it fully, but all of them failing. 

Lena suddenly looked up, realizing something, “We can't inject her.” she whispered mostly to herself. Her eyes were distant, thinking, “Can't inject her. Kryptonite doesn't work.”

“Lena?” Alex inquired, seeing the woman talking to herself. She had finished opening up the tank that encased her younger sister. She didn't let herself breakdown just yet, looking up at Lena instead. She walked towards her, “What's wrong?” 

Lena finally met her eyes as though just realizing she was there, “Th-the serum. It doesn't let Kryptonite effect Kara. We can't inject her with the antidote without kryptonite. Th-the needle wouldn't be able to prick her skin.” Lena said shakily. Her mind rattling the cages of insanity at the mere idea of not being able to wake Kara up. 

“Hey.” Alex stepped in front of her to force her to meet her eyes. She held Lena's hands, “You worry about making the antidote. And I'll take care of the rest, ok?” Lena's hands were shaking in Alex's, “Hey, you could do this. There's no one I trust more with my sister's life than you, Lena. You got this.”

Lena held Alex's eyes before nodding shakily. If anything, she owed it to Alex to do everything she could to get her sister back. Alex has been there for her during the past year. They've formed a friendship that ran deeper than anything that held meaning in Lena's life. And she couldn't disappoint Alex. 

She hurried back to the centrifuge and pulled out the test tubes. Her mind repeated the serum's formula over and over in her head. Over the past year, she had found herself fidgeting with the formula every now and then and playing around with it. Trying to figure out what had gone wrong and correcting her mistake. She never truly intended to find a cure to Kryptonite anymore then, since the only other Kryptonian alive believed she was responsible for Kara's death. But still, she tinkered with the formula. A way to past the time. 

Alex pulled out her phone and dialed a number she hasn't dialed in a very long time, “J'onn? Yeah, it's me. I'm sorry for... For everything.” she choked, not realizing how much hearing his voice could affect her. “I-I have some news. I-” she didn't how to form the words. “I-I found Kara. Her body, I mean.” there was silence on the other end. “Sh-she's alive. We're on a ship. I'll send you coordinates. But I need- she needs Red Sun lamps. We can't inject her without them.” when he asked multiple questions,” I don't have time to explain, but please I need those Red Sun lamps. Can you-” it felt odd, asking him for something. But he agreed without her uttering her request, “Great. I'll umm I'll send you the coordinates.”

Lena heard the conversation and felt her heart calm at the prospect of the DEO bringing red sun lamps to help with the injection. She put on some goggles and safety gloves as she used the blow torch to heat up a substance. She then grabbed a pair of crucible tongs to pick up the boiling liquid and transport it to the other table. 

“Beaker.” she mumbled to herself, “I need a beaker.”

She fumbled around, opening cabinets and cupboards looking for the glass container. She found one in a cabinet on the other side of the room, just as she heard the sound of a distant helicopter. 

“That's J'onn.” Alex said, “I'll be right back.” she pointed at the two Marines, “Stay with her. Help her if she needs help but don't get in her way.” she ordered, already going up the staircase. 

Lena glanced at Kara's face, momentarily getting lost in the beauty of it before forcing her eyes to shift back to her work. She took the first test tube and poured it into the beaker. Then, using the pair of tongs, she picked up the boiling liquid and placed it beside it. She rushed and opened a packaged syringe. Pulling the plunger to draw the liquid in, she quickly screwed on a needle and went to attach a dipper over the beaker. 

She registered none of the heavy booted footsteps as she worked. Agents came in and began installing Red Sun lamps over the tank just above Kara's body. For a flick of a second, Lena met the director of the DEO's eyes, the tall built man had his arms crossed. Jaw clenched and eyes boring into Supergirl's comatose state. Lena remembered Alex telling her once that she and Kara were like his daughters and that they saw him as a father figure. It must have been as hard on him just as much as it was on her when they lost Kara. And to see her again, your daughter after losing her... 

Lena shook her thoughts and focused back on her task at hand. She injected the liquid into the dripper and watched as a single drop made its way into the liquid inside the beaker. The color began changing to a much darker one. It would take a few more seconds, so Lena used that time to rush to the cupboards and open another syringe. Going back to the beaker, she found the dripper had finished and she wasted no time as she extracted the final liquid with the syringe. Squirting some out and tapping the needle, she looked at what she had in her hand. 

The antidote. 

At least she hoped so. She met Alex's eyes, “It's done.” she nodded once. And when Alex nodded back, she walked over to the body of the woman she thought she had lost. 

Her heart hammered against her chest and she felt her hands shake. Kara lay there unmoving. Her body functioning but she was technically not alive. She was floating in between that confined space between life and death. And Lena put her there. And now she was going to pull her back to the land of the living. 

If the antidote worked. 

She noticed how the tank no longer had the glass walls that had once encased Kara's body. Instead, it now looked liked Kara laid over a metal table. And Lena couldn't help but be reminded of a morgue. She squeezed her eyes shut before opening them up again to clear her mind. 

_ Do it, Lee. It'll work, babe.  _

Lena stiffened at the voice in her head. Kara's voice always shook her to the core, but seeing her face in front of her and hearing her voice in her mind made it all too real. 

_ I missed you, beautiful. Help me wake up, Lee.  _

She fought against the tears threatening to break out. Fought against that dangerous thing called hope. Because God help her if she let herself fall in the bottomless pit of hope and then find out that Kara wouldn't wake up... She would never climb back up. 

_ It's ok, babe. I promise you, right here, right now, if you inject me with that antidote, I'll wake up.  _

_ You're not real!  _ Lena wanted to shout back at the voice. The real Kara was in front of her. Dead. But also alive. The one in her head, the one she had gotten used to, didn't exist. 

_ That's harsh.  _

Lena heard a chuckle ring through her mind. It was playful, husky. And God help her, she had missed it. 

She inched closer to the body. Her hand shaking as she lifted it and ran her fingertips across the skin. She almost gasped at finding it ice cold. 

Dead. 

But also alive somehow. 

As she swallowed down one last time, she pinched Kara's arm and pricked her skin, the needle sliding in as though she was just another human and not the Girl of Steel. Lena held her breath and pressed the plunger injecting the liquid into her body and praying to every entity out there that this would work. 

When she finally pulled the needle away, her eyes didn't dare blink. They burned as she watched closely Kara's chest, her eyes, her lips. Trying to find any hint, any glimpse of life. 

But nothing. 

Long dragging deafening minutes passed as everyone in the room held their breaths and watched the body of Supergirl. Lena felt the tears slowly make their down her cheeks as the hopelessness envolped her heart and despair stabbed at it. She tasted the saltiness on her lips as more tears began to fall, her chest feeling tight and the first signs of a panic attack began to appear. 

Still nothing. 

Kara's body was frozen still. No sound. No muscle twitch.

Nothing.

Until it was suddenly everything when her chest rose up with a desperate inhale of breath and her mouth opened as though she was just coming out of the water. 

And finally her eyes opened up frightened. 

Frightened but blue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.s. Please ignore the gibberish science that I had created for the purpose of this chapter... Absolutely none of it is real. Except the sodium part. That part is real. I did a little google search and read about countless ways of knocking people out. FBI person whose watching my keystrokes and search history is probably gonna pay me a visit and demand who I plan to knock out.


End file.
